-
Website
http://www.suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/ -
Original page
http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/2009/07/blackballed.html -
Subscribe
All Comments -
Community
-
-
Top Commenters
-
Popular Threads
All Comments
I feel for you in needing the community. I feel like I am constantly STARVING for fellowship. If ever someone prays aloud for me I break into tears at the power in it. My husband is Jewish and fairly non believing. I have 2 daughters and I try to get to church once or twice a month with them, always trying to balance family weekends with my need to belong and be in a community. I have Christian friends, good ones, but most are far away.
I guess I'm lucky because I feel accepted at this church that I've been going to for less than a year. However, because I can't go that often and because my husband is a non believer, I feel a little bit of pity from the women there. Nice pity, accepting pity, but that's not what I want. I see a bit of a pitfall of getting really involved in the church. I feel kind of lucky to be on the outside and to be able to see it. It seems to be where judgment starts. Being a baby Christian is easy, everyone wants you, everyone supports you. But as you mature, you aren't coddled as much. You are no longer accepted as you are, you are expected to be a certain way and carry your weight, with judgment in how you live your life along the way.
It is possible to find what you are looking for without the judgment. You only need to start with one or two women in your life. It doesn't have to be dinner parties or bible studies, but if DOES have to be honest, the real you with the real questions and the real doubts. Does your church have a mentoring program? Mine does, I'm considering looking into it. I think sometimes one wise woman who will pray for you and love you for who you are will make all the difference. She can also help answer some of the questions when you can't hear God's voice or His direction.
I just finished reading The Shack. It was a book written and based in my home town so that's why I read it...and it isn't what I was expecting. However, I loved it, it really touched me. I know it was fiction, but at the end of it, I thought, "I HOPE that is what God is like, and who he is". He just wants us to be in relationship with Him, and with each other too. He is full of warmth and love, not a list of rules or waiting to strike us down when we don't understand something or don't know how to believe what He is. At one point in the book, the main character says, "So this is what it means to be Christian" and Jesus says back, "Who said anything about being Christian, I'm not Christian". It made me laugh, because we are trying to sometimes seek Christianity rather than a relationship with God, and that happens by accident.
Thank you for posting this blog (and for all of your other great writing). And if you are reading what feels like my rambling, I appreciate it the chance to discuss worries and doubts about religion.
I would encourage you (as I remind myself) to keep trying, to pray that He will bring good quality Christians into your life, ones that will accept you and will not judge you. Women that will encourage you and inspire you, uplift you, and share their faults with you as well. Women just like you. Based on all the comments, you can see that they are out there. You just need to find some of the ones in Nashville.
Thank you again for writing this, admitting this. Honesty and faults and doubts...that's where all the good stuff is. That will attract you to the right kind of people- so good job for not conforming to fit in. Not something I can see you doing, even if you wanted to!
Good luck and warmest regards.
Jenny
For the last 10 years I've been going to a Calvary Chapel that is so big that I never see the same people twice and at the ladies bible studies no one seems to have any interest in extending friendship beyond the class. I'm sorry but I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm glad you wrote this and when you find the answer let me know!
I live in a fairly populated area, and have tried so many churches - the mega-churches that have small groups for every possibility, the smaller community churches, you name it.
I've yet to find one where I fit in. And I hate it. Because I'm the type that NEEDS that Christian community to keep me going in my faith, the accountability to get me reading my bible, the intelligent discussions on Scripture and my struggles. But I just don't seem to fit anywhere - and it's discouraging. Which leaves me much further away from my walk than I should be.
I guess I HAVE given up. (Gee, thanks for pointing that out.) But realizing that I've given up is making me think that maybe it's time to start trying again. The only people I know that I can discuss my faith with are online friends - and while that's a wonderful thing, I crave the face to face connection of a small group or Bible study. The less involved I am, the harder I find it to even go to church - because I feel alone in such a crowd that seems so interconnected.
Well, I guess that cements my plans for the next few months of Sundays :)
I feel the same way you do about Christian community. I really don't want to go without it and I'm afraid I can't do it on my own.
Well said- and way more concise than my rambling!
Being a woman can be isolating in many ways. But none so much as within Christian groups. As a pastor's wife, I would love to have some sweet well thought out platitude to hand you right now. But that's not how I roll. I am so sorry you feel, and probably accurately so, that you have been black balled in ways from your church women. Honesty can be extremely intimidating. I like it to being brazen enough to attend a masquerade ball without a mask. Only thing is: life shouldn't be a costume party. Especially a Christ centered one. Be yourself, and know that bit by bit, you are leading by example. God wants nothing less from you.
CeCe
Actually, writing this post has helped. It's good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.
This is not the true face of christianity, sweetie. Rejection and Christ are at odds with one another. The simply cannot exist together.
Christ included everyone around him in His walk. It was, imo, the most profound lesson on His life. Inclusion and love.
I am so sorry on behalf of any women who have given you the cold shoulder in the name of faith. I can feel your sadness and your confusion, and I just want to hug you. Please believe me when I say the problem does not lie with you, my friend, but with others.
I have no advice, sadly. But realize that you are who God created you to be. We are all works in progress, and in my opinion, the less perfect we are, the closer our walk with God becomes out of necessity. So keep clinging to Him, and soon a community of worthy women will come along who love you, just as you are.
The reality is that I will keep trying to get involved. I'm that kind of person. But it has been sort of a crushing feeling to realize that I've BEEN trying for five years now and I'm pretty much nowhere with it.
At the same time, I absolutely recognize that I'm incredibly lucky to have lots of girlfriends of all faiths to do things with. I just feel that spiritually, I could really use some close Christian friends, too, and it's frustrating that that is eluding me.
I have spent years trying to connect with other Christian women through MOPS, Bible studies, and activities at church. But I have come out of it pretty lonely. I too feel rejected and think that I just might not be a desirable friend for one reason or another. But I also have another issue--I'm a pastor's wife, and I think that automatically puts a rubber stamp on my forehead that says "Weird, not normal, and unrelatable." And I seriously don't think I am those things, but maybe I am and don't realize it.
I guess I would have thought that finding Christian friends would be easier than it has been. But I've realized two things . . . #1 that Christians are just like everyone else--they can be cliquey. And they might even be more cliquey that other people because it's so comfortable to live in the Christian bubble and not venture outside. #2 I've stopped being who I think others want me to be and am just being me. It's a hard pill to swallow to know that not everyone likes that real person, but it's better than pretending. God made us to be individual and genuine and I believe that He will use those unique gifts for good. It would be nice for Him to through some good friends our way too!
Thanks for your honest blog . . . I will be a regular reader!
I think Christians are often cliquish snobs, which is unfortunate because it's a horrible misrepresentation of who God is.
i think many ppl in the church by and large don't understand God's acceptance of them and try to measure up to what they perceive is what's acceptable. but He does accept us as we are, He made us to be ourselves, and nothing else!
what does God want from you, me, and the next person? to know Him and enjoy Him. to worship Him. and to be who He created us to be. it's not about restriction, it's about flowering.... not denying our fallen nature, but moving from it into the flowering growth of our destiny in God.... becoming more fully who we really are, in Him. if that makes sense.
we have to persist... when we are misunderstood, persist.... when we feel outside the loop, persist.... in fact, i think we should dive in with both feet and become part, ie. don't wait to be invited 'in', 'get' in. if God's called us to that body, we belong there, however unclear that may be to others!
hoping you find a beautiful body with lots of honest wartiness, and you have a home. :)
I'd love to pass it off on myself, to being insecure or having a bad attitude or something, but after FIVE YEARS of effort (in some cases, over and over again with the same people, which was incredibly pathetic), I think I'm able to look at the bigger picture here. And it's troubling to me that the non-Christian women I've met have been largely loyal and non-judgmental and accepting, while many of the women I've met from Christian circles have been cliquish and exclusive and in some cases, downright hurtful.
I still think there are IRL Christian friends out there for me. I'm just having trouble finding them. :) I seriously don't think I fit the right mold. I wish I did. But I don't.
I guess we prioritize connecting with people over the other stuff. Does your church have small groups that you can try joining?
I thought maybe it was because I'm a new Christian. I didn't grow up with the church and was baptized at age 27--7 years ago, so I kind of have a hard time relating to those who have always been faithful. But maybe there's something else to it.
I'll be interested to read others' comments.
What you said really hit me. My "religious title" would be "Christian". Though i have said many times, I really do hate calling myself that, most of the time.
I desperately love God. So it's not about Him. It's about Them. I want a relationship with Him, not a religion. One thing i really hate is exactly what you said.. "either I get pity and concern for my immortal soul, or preached to." I hate that. I think christians have that rep, and it's usually true. So stupid. Never should it be that way. I'm so sorry that's what you feel. I didn't give you any answers, but gist is, I feel you :)
Fast forward to getting married thinking I'm going to belong to this group of Christian Women. Some guidance, friendships, support....in this small town as I said, knowing no one.
I eventually gave up.
Now, a friend of mine who is a minister said to me, "you aren't really religious but you are spiritual"
I'll take that.
I have a greater sense of who I am personally and spiritually, and I don't need to belong to any 'group'
ps after I divorced the ex-ass the good christian women wont look in my direction let alone say hello. Who needs support more than a woman separated and single parent to 3. Guess I don't fit the mold.
So, I sympathize, both for the difficulties you are having, and for the repercussions you will face for posting this! Take care . . . .
I just joined a parish here in Newtopia, and after a year of singing in the choir and going to various church activities, I'm about to volunteer to be on the newcomers/greeters committee just so nobody else has to go through what I went through. It really was that cold. If I didn't already know some people in the congregation, I would literally have no one to say hello to on the average Sunday.
I'm a singer, so I always end up in the choir, which limits my volunteer time. We're taking a choir trip to England next month, and something tells me those people are going to get friendlier ... 10 days in a tour bus tends to do that.
If I didn't have the trip coming up and really wanted to make friends fast at this church, I'd volunteer for the annual rummage sale. It's a huge event that needs lots of warm bodies, and we raise $300K, all of which is given away to various social agencies. Does your church have its own Big Deal annual event? If it does, I'd get involved with that. And try to work with another relative newcomer.
The other thing to keep in mind is to work at friendships with people who are also looking for new friends. If people have been hanging around with each other for years, you'll come across as pushy if you ask them out for coffee, but if you find someone who's new to the church, you'll get a different reaction. That's what I plant to do come September (because God spends the summer at the beach, heh heh.)
Sorry to go on and on, but this is one of my pet peeves!
Hopefully you can at least find a few Christian friends (like Angie?) who will be there for you even when you don't "look your best" spiritually in lieu of the groups and Bible studies.
Okaaaay...so it's just me then?
And you know what? It makes me angry. I go to church, do my part, and walk right out the door now. I hate to admit it, but I've pretty much given up and accepted that I'm not going to find that community there - I'll get good communal worship, but nothing more. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. And that pisses me off.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I have absolutely nothing to offer in terms of solutions...but lots to offer in the way of commiseration and understanding the "little bit mad at God right now" thing. ;-)
Maybe the church you're in isn't the right one for you. Maybe it's time to examine your own heart. I fought for many years to be the independent though somewhat (seriously, somewhat) old-fashioned woman. I had a career, I had (have) a mind and personality. In the last 6 months, we joined a different church, one I never thought I'd belong to. God is changing my heart through the examples of Godly women, through my personal Bible time (Mom after God's own heart by Elizabeth George) and through the changes He's making in my husband. I'm learning what it is to be a Godly woman, which has become far more important to me than keeping "myself".
As for mom organizations, I saw someone mention MOPS. Then, you responded with MOMS Club. Those are two entirely different organizations. I've belonged to both. MOMS Club "friends" left me feeling like a loser for having faith in God and for standing for my beliefs. MOPS (Mother's of preschoolers) is faith-based and was far more accepting of me, as me, in all my imperfections.
I hope you find what you need. My heart hopes you don't turn from God. God is good!
Maybe you could check a local EFM (Education for Ministry) or other group in the Episcopal Church. EFM is the BEST thing that ever happened to me as far as spiritual groups, partly because I'm used to being in spiritual groups that were very female-oriented. This group was half guys and it really helped for both sexes to be in the room and get honest about what was going on in our spiritual lives. But one of my friends was in a group that was all women and she loved that, too.
Plus the E. Church has wonderful music and lovely liturgy.
http://episcopaldiocese-tn.org/parishes
Best of luck to you. It's not God, it's people who are afraid or unwilling to open their hearts for whatever reason. As my dear mother used to say when I complained about church people, 'just think how much worse they'd be if they didn't even go to church.'
I feel like we've been striking out in the church community too. My husband and I even became members in a church last year (my first!). What was such a big deal for me, an afterthought for the church. After meeting all of the qualifications and meeting with the elders, we never heard if we were confirmed, not brought in front of the church to say "Welcome!" Nope, we got an email a few months later asking us if we wanted to join the new members class. A quick call to the church secretary confirmed we were members but no attempts to make us feel welcome as members.
We're going on a mission trip to Honduras and asked for prayer. The church has a practice of praying for all outgoing missionaries. We got the pastor standing up to tell the congregation we had something to say about the trip, he sat down and we explained the trip and sat down. No prayers, nothing. But there's no problem letting us play in the worship band, teach Sunday school, run the projector...
*sigh*
We thought about leaving but we tried almost all of the churches in the area before settling down.
i grew up in the church but somehow i just don't fit the mold quite right...i hope that you can find a good group before too long.
All I know is, if you walked into my Husband's church, you would be welcome to come sit by someone who can totally relate and thinks you are a true face of Christian women everywhere.
Having met you in real life I can attest both to the fact that you are a warm and welcoming person, but also, that you posess a larger than life presence. You are beautiful and talented, dramatic and entertaining. If you didn't have such a balanced and truly wonderful life in Nashville, the only place for you would be Hollywood. (Frankly, considering the divorce rate and the neglect endured by the children of stars, I think you've made the best choice.)
You're clearly not the only one being tested. The women who have rejected you may think they are being pious and riteous, but sound more as though they are feeling threatened, and as a result judgemental.
We all have our spiritual limitations. It hurts to grow. I would look more to the love that God has surrounded you with, and my dear it is abundant, and less to those who are still trapped within the confines of their own limitations.
Be kind to yourself, knowing this is where you need to be right now. You are in the midst of making great personal strides, not everything is going to be comfortable in that process, but I think that you will find in the end that you have far more support than you'd have if you were to limit yourself exclusively to what is familiar.
Then I cry for a bit, and am ok - until the next time.
I'm the proverbial square peg. Most churches are made up of families, and the moms in the fellowship simply don't believe they could ever have anything in common with a single professional. Add to that the fact I'm an introvert, and it made for a great deal of loneliness in the one place I should feel least alone - my church home.
How do I deal with it? When I was younger, I'd rail at God and demand He change me to conform to what those others wanted. Now, I look for opportunities to serve that fit my own abilities, where I can be of most value in His service - and find that people of like passions eventually let me in.
You are absolutely right in saying you won't stop trying, in spite of the obstacles. We're all given different gifts, talents, personalities - that's part of God's plan, and we're ALL needed for a healthy body. As Paul said in Corinthians, where would we be if the ear decided that since it wasn't an eye, it didn't belong to the body?
I'm confident that God is preparing a wonderful circle of Christian women for you to truly belong to, women who will challenge, encourage, comfort and guide you, who will recognize your unique contribution to the body and celebrate you for it. And I'm going to continue praying just that for you - and for all the rest of my sisters - and myself - who've experienced the same thing.
I know exactly how you feel. I think of myself as a non-stereotypical Christian. It seems that I'm not "Christian" enough. At the same time I'm too Christian to be all "worldly". Does this make me "luke warm"?? Yikes!
Anyways, it has been really hard for me to find my niche.
Wish you happy Christian friend hunting!! Please keep us up to date
However, I have found a women's Bible study that I love in the weirdest of ways. I was in traffic school last year with this guy. He mentioned his wife and I had a few things in common. And they had just moved to town. I don't know why, but the next day for no reason whatsoever I end up Google stalking her. Yes. I'm a freak.
Well, I email her and explain that I met her husband in traffic school and would she like to hang out with me and my then-fiance. A few months later we end up going to dinner. Nice couple, but nothing seems to happen after that.
A few months after that her and her mother in law are putting together a Bible study group and I came to her mind so she invites me. I make my mom come with me and for nearly a year now the four of us have been meeting. This random group of women. And it's the best Bible study I've ever been in.
I say all this to say, don't worry. The right group will happen at the right time. And Google stalking is NOT just for checking up on ex-boyfriends anymore. It's also great for spiritual development :D
I accidentally hit "report" on one of your comments back and I don't know what that means or what happens now, but if you get a "reported" comment from yourself, I did that by accident! oops :)
thank you for this post, by the way.
& I don't think God is at all upset WITH you for being mad at Him. I'd bet he is upset you are feeling this though...
It's probably one of the hardest communities to "fit in" to. Horrible as it is. Probably true.
I'm sure you've tried what you can. For me it helped to be super consistent, join a team (i.e. children's, or greeters.. whatever your church has), then be the change you want to see. I've noticed in my church, the tables have flipped a bit. Now i get to be the person to include other people.. the one to see why other people haven't been at church... the one that keeps people from feeling like it's them.
& pray? as you have been. You know God doesn't want you feeling that way.
This isn't some small little thing. He cares, so much. You are so valued & loved & wanted. I'm sure it's hurting Him so much to know you feel this way. I for one don't always understand God's choices and ways. but it all comes down to my trust for Him. And i trust He wants the best for me, and I trust He does everything to make that happen. Wether it is what i would choose, or not.
I grew up with a wonderful, but flawed church family--make that wonderfully flawed. I too need community and can't find it. I almost can't talk about it. We've been sporadically searching for some place to belong. The last church we joined seemed like a good fit, but after trying to be myself with the younger married SS class, not so much. I can be loud and oppionated-- maybe I scared them. We drifted out of that church , after the senior pastor left. I want desperately to find Christian friends and to raise our kids in church. I don't know what to do. I'll pray for you sister.
Geez, I'm about the last person in the world that should even be saying anything. Maybe "your people" aren't hanging out in any specific church or prayer group. Maybe God is just inviting you to be on the lookout for your community in some unexpected places.
BTW, thanks for the really honest post...brings up some timely questions for myself.
We have found an incredible church here that speaks truth and is relevant and is alive, but I've yet to really find my wimmins within the church. I always call myself a carni and feel like I live too outside the box (but not outside the bible) for typical Christians, so it no longer surprises me that I don't fit in. Sometimes I don't even like using the label "Christian" for myself, even though my faith is probably stronger and closer than those who do use that label. The same faith, but very different ideas about life and the world.
Also, I think you are *close* when you say that you are alone in this. The truth is you can ONLY rely on God, and that is where all those voids you're feeling right now will be filled. I totally agree with telling God you're mad at Him, I do it too, and it makes me feel better. Relationship with God is just that, a relationship, and it's important to be honest and express things like that, no matter how "illogical" it may seem. But also tell him that you're feeling the void, ask for those things you need. Sometimes we're tested, put through these trials. It's ok to ask for help with them.
(sorry for the novel, but THANK YOU for providing a place to talk about this!)
-Ari
And I do believe that your experience makes God just as sad is it does you. I mean, God IS Love. And His desire is that His people love one another. I guess maybe take this as an opportunity to identify with Jesus, whose best friends bailed on Him in His darkest moments. Obviously, they got their acts together eventually, but it had to be lonely for Jesus. Maybe you can allow this to teach you to love even more compassionately. Everyone wants to be loved. There has to be other people who feel the same way you do in your own church. Maybe ask God to show you those people.
I feel for you. And as usual, I think you're so brave to post stuff like this! I guess, as someone who has felt this way many times, I would just encourage you to keep looking, to stay open-minded and to remember that even this is part of your walk with God. I would encourage you to love without expectations of reciprocity, out of love for God. And I would encourage to make the most out of the friendships you do have - my closest friends came from two of my other friends starting a Bible study that I and five others eventually joined. We're all still close, 12 years later. But none of us goes to the same church. And they're all (except for one girl who became Catholic a few years ago) evangelicals and I'm Eastern Orthodox, so I don't really fit in there, either! But it's ok, I love them anyway. ;p
I really am sorry to read about your rejection. I just can't imagine anyone not wanting to be your friend (I would, in a heartbeat!), but, like the country song says, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy."
We can't even find a church that we feel comfortable in. I grew up in a church and really enjoyed the community and want that for my daughter. We live in the same town that I grew up in but our church building was recently sols. I've gone to several churches but haven't found one that felt right for us. I really loved that sense of community I felt including the potlucks and getting to know people of all ages. I think it really taught me to respect my elders. I really want this for my daughter. Does anyone have any tips in finding a church?
Thanks for your blog. I love the honesty and find it so relatable.
The loneliness forced me to spend more time alone with God, something I didn't tend to choose when I had the option to spend time with friends. I realized that in the past I had put my friendships before my relationship with God and, too often, my husband and kids.
I also realized that I was looking too hard for friends who were just like me. I wanted friends who I had a lot in common with. When I opened myself up to people who on the surface I didn't have much in common with, I made a lot more friends and I figured out that often I had more in common with them than I thought. Currently we attend a Sunday School with adults ranging from their 20's to their 70's (rather than the SS targeted specifically at our stage of life) and we attend a small group of mostly childless couples and some singles (we have four kids). Along the way I have made some friends I have more in common with, but I find these multi-generational groups and relationships much more fulfilling than our previous groups of people who "looked just like us".
These are the things I learned about myself--maybe God has some other purpose in this season for you. I strongly believe this, though: He always knows what's best for us. Always. Often it doesn't look like what we think is best for us, but we really can trust Him.
I have a ton of Christian friends because I go to a huge church but seriously I could not be accountability partners with any of them. Because really were just not that close. I've been praying and I know God will eventually give me what I need. Probably after I learn something else I wouldn't be able to otherwise. God works in funny ways.
To bad you don't live in FL, there's an awesome bible-study I work for. Check out the thewellwomen.org Even if you can't attend their weekly e-mails are really, really good.
I say, if that community feeling is something you really want in your life, it's worth continuing to work for.
It is hard to understand (at least for me) God's Will, especially when I am quite impatient and ready to charge like a bull into the wall. This is where I make my dirty little confession, I haven't been to church in years. Being single adds another dimension to it and while sitting in the pew by myself isn't that bad, I can feel the stares. And I don't like that. I am a shy person until I get to know someone and then you can't shut me up but it is getting over that hump.
So I am right there with you and if you here of or attend a nice Bible study in the West Nashville area, will you let me know?
I have to say, I have not had the best of luck finding a community of other Christians where I feel comfortable to completely be myself. What I have had better luck with is discovering which friends/acquaintances of mine are also Christians and then building the existing friendship into one where we can also have the support you mentioned you were looking for.
I think just being open about your own Christianity will help in finding those other 'closeted' Christians out there, and maybe you can build a community of your own. Again, thanks for putting this out there. You really got me thinking about maybe who around me might be searching for what you're searching for, and maybe I can be that community for someone else.
I understand that it helps to keep the focus on a Christian-like life by surrounding yourself with others who have the same drive, but ultimately, at the end of the day and at the end of the road, God doesn't care if you hung out with Christian folks or not. He cares that you lived a good life that glorified His name. Let go of the frustration and waste no more time being discouraged. He loves you no matter what.
Anyway, I've been there for more years than I can count. Way before blogging! It really hurts-I've run the spectrum from being hurt to "screw them", and everything in between. I won't cite examples here but believe me, I've got plenty.
What I've learned so far is that you will eventually come up with your "tribe". It gets easier as the kids get older, and you will 'fall' into a comfortable stride with other parents, couples and women that are all on the same page. Recently it has happened for us-the kids and parents all get along, and we agree (mostly) on all of the Big Spiritual Stuff. It has been a long-time-coming, but so far worth the wait!
Good luck. I know it's tough, but I also know you'll get there.
Maybe you should find people that you fit in with, instead of people you think you should fit in with. Even someone like me could appreciate your struggle as a Christian, while not being one myself.
An authentic spiritual relationship translates across all religions. Maybe you're just looking to befriend the wrong type of people. Just a thought.
I love you for your openness and honesty. I really do. Even the Christian stuff, because it's an authentic part of your human experience.
That was in Texas. Then, I packed up and moved to Nashville. You know, to get away from Texas. While I love it here, church has been the one and only thorn in my side. First, I was part of the singles group, which was weird. Then, I met my non-Christian (shocking!) husband and we married. So I was no longer in the singles, but I didn't want to go to the marrieds alone. I didn't fit in anywhere. Fast forward a couple kids, we (even my now-Christian husband who doesn't enjoy church so much) were in a church that we actually kind of did enjoy, but I need the real relationship stuff, not just simple social functions. I was friendly with many people, but I couldn't penetrate their group. Fast forward some more, we couldn't go to church for two years (Doctor's orders. Really, my daughter had some health issues. No public places.). Now that we can go back, we are out of the habit and I am almost out of desire. I feel like such an outsider at church now.
It's not just you. It's really not. I have a similar problem in my community. My family has attended the same church since it was founded. (just about anyway) And here lately, I've been getting the cold shoulder when it comes to bible studies and other activities. I can't seem to figure out who's cat I ran over in the parking lot to make me feel so unwelcome at some of the activities. :(
What I do know is that I will continue to pray. Pray for understanding and pray for guidance and give up my problems to the Lord, and continue to attend my church. And I'll add you to my prayer list, even though I know you aren't asking that, cause everybody could use a little more :)
I hope they open up to you, cause I think you are a person worth knowing. :)
I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your honesty in "Blackballed". I always love to read your fresh perspective on the church and the difficulty many of us have in finding community and friends within our church and neighborhoods. I'm right there with you sister. For years I have been experiencing much of the same treatment as I have tried to branch out, find a community of believers and meaningful friendships. Just this weekend, my husband and I were discussing just how we could meet people and make friends. (We've been back in Nashville for 2 years now and still trying!) We're that couple in their mid-thirties, expecting their first child and establishing our home here in Nashville, within a suburb that never really spoke to us until they learned that we're expecting. What up with that? Are you not cool or worthy of friendship until you have a kid?
Is there a secret club within the 'Burbs that we don't know about? I certainly hope not, because we are here to stay! We enjoy living in the Nashville 'burbs, but we do find it very difficult to make friends. My sweet husband recognizes that it's harder for women, and I keep asking, "Why?" - why are we so tough on each other, when in reality if we would just take some time to get to know each other we would very likely find a dear friend who could possibly be experiencing the same struggles as us. So why not reach out and support each other, instead of trying to appear "perfect"? I'd much rather be honest!
There is no such thing as "perfect" and I would love to gather with a group of imperfect women any day! That being said, if you and your friends would ever be interested in meeting up with an imperfect Nashville community, please let me know. I would be more than happy to host Bible studies, lunch groups, ladies nights, playgroups (mine is due August 26th), etc. in my home anytime.
In the meantime, I encourage you to keep on keeping on. Your honesty within your blog is reaching an audience that God has specifically chosen to speak to, and it takes a lot of courage to allow God to use you as His vessel. Not only does God want us to have community with each other, but more importantly He wants us to have community with Him. Not only are your words a conversation with your audience, but also with God. I believe He enjoys hearing from you, so keep on keeping on - because today He's hearing from a lot of us!
obviously you're not alone here. i'm Catholic...and some folks don't consider that Christian but we SO are. anyhoo, if you want a Christian friend who isn't a Judy Joiner but wants some like-minded (meaning spiritually hungry...let's face it, there's no cookie-cutter anymore) friends to bounce ideas off of and share time with, i'm your girl.
You might say hi to your neighbor on the way to the car, after mass, but you would actually spend time talking to them once you both got home.
You sound like someone who would have a more satisfying relationship with God if you kept it personal, and between him and you, rather than try to make it a social event, as many folk (comfortably) do down here in the south.
There is a huge number of people reading and rereading this post today, which makes me suspect there are a LOT more people out there with these concerns than we realize.
So thank you all for adding to the discussion.
My minister does an annual FAQ where the congregants write questions on pieces of paper or text their questions to him during the service. My husband works the AV equipment so we do not sit together during worship. After the FAQ service a couple of weeks ago, while we were at dinner, my husband asked why I hadn't texted in a question. After 21 years of marriage he knows how to spot a Kristi Question.
I told him I did text a question, but that it didn't make the cut. He pressed further (now getting alarmed) and I told him that I had asked "Does our church believe President Obama is the AntiChrist and if not, why not?" (In my defense, I hear this a lot and I thought perhaps an "expert" could dispell this notion.)
After nearly choking to death on his hamburger and establishing that I would not be texting an apology, we've apparently decided to never speak of this incident again.
Best,
K
meditate daily. These are the things that keep me close to God - not going anywhere or being in a group. That's just me - not for everyone. But I think the best 2 pieces of advice from other posts here is 1) please don't blame God for what people are doing & how they are acting - God does NOT want that for his followers. And 2) someone said start with PEOPLE
who share your beliefs / style of worhip, not groups. Find one or two people are you will find it just as fulfilling as a group. The larger the group, the greater chance for finding those types of people you have describing.
I don't fit anywhere. I have 4 children-my husband attends church rarely and only for Sunday morning service if he does-the list goes on and on. It breaks me heart over and over again but I have to think that He makes me strong. My latest heartache was the new pastor's wife who sought me out in the beginning because I was so outgoing but now has made her a little group of other friends and I feel left behind and just a little bit used.
all i can say is me too.
((hugs))
not so much at my UU church, but sorta, as i do love Jesus. and not very many UU self identify as a Christian. but i believe it does not matter if you are gay, or that a woman has the right to her own body,( very NOT CHRISTIAN ya know.
i am a democrat, a crunchy girl. i say f**k ALOT. i slept with my husband before we got married ( in fact i was 7 mo pg when we did get married not one..NOT ONE of my "Christian" friends came to my wedding.) i could go on....
that all being said, i work really really hard at making friends, i have a cupple real good ones. but it was hard, it should not be, but it is.
more (hugs)
I hope you don't give up. Continue to be yourself. There is nothing more refreshing in the Christian church if you ask me.
I'll say a prayer for you, that God would send you a Christian "sister replacement friend". I really will. He will give you what you need....He promises that. Just be patient and trust that He will.
Adulthood didn't dispel much of that, since friends who firmly identified with a particular 'flavor' of faith always seemed to find a place that worked for them. Now I'm wondering how many of them were seeking, and just not saying anything.
I've been trying to find a group/ place to go which would be more conducive to focusing my own religious/spiritual leanings, and it's been hard. I'm looking for a place rather than a community because I've never expected to find someone who could be really close to my belief system, since it's such a loose, yet well-defined to me, version of paganism.
Normally there's comfort in hearing that others are dealing with the same issues, but in this case it's just disheartening to know that there are so many people who haven't found their 'fit' when it comes to this. Especially when (at first blush) there's a larger 'pool' of people to start with when you're coming from a mainstream Christian faith. Thank you for continuing to write on this - you get me thinking about these issues in ways which I don't do often enough.
Right after the Now-Former-Mr.-Roadchick left, I went back to church. I went with a friend who was a member and joined right in. Potluck? My casserole was first on the table? Nursery? Sure, sign me up. Bible study? Absolutely.
I have never been so lonely in my life.
I came to the conclusion that the problem was that I was real. In some ways I was very much damaged goods, but I was trying. I showed up. I was present. And I think that scared the other women because all that reality might be catching (I'm not talking about the whole "divorce-is-contagious" mindset) - just that I was a little too real. I was not always sweet and soft-spoken. I was a Magdalene amongst the Marthas.
I haven't read every other post word for word, so forgive me if I'm repeating someone else.
Here's the problem: We women are so caught up in comparing ourselves to each other. We feel hopelessly inadequate and when in the company of others, we can't help but feel the pain of how we fall short (I'm speaking from personal experience here).
For Christian women, this comparison exercise takes another dimension, which is antithetical to the Gospel. But we hold to it, nonetheless. If you do x, then you are more holy. If you don't do y, then you must have a stronger faith than I. We eventually wind up putting on all sorts of masks and facades so that we can "measure up," either to real or imagined (human, not God's) standards. Obviously, we feel empty and alone. And, especially, if we're not "playing the game" and just want to be ourselves, well, then, we are quite out of place.
I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember (can't remember a day I didn't love Jesus) and have been an active church member all my life. I have felt the scorn of other women/other Christians for everything from working outside the home and having unruly kids in worship, to feeding my kids formula or drinking wine.
It's all human-constructed legalisms! All of it. In the Gospel, there is liberty. I'm not meaning "any and everything goes," as there are certainly PRINCIPLES mandated in Scripture. But, really, "There is therefore NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!" It's Jesus, plus or minus nothing.
I don't think this will ever subside, unfortunately. We are all sinners and we are all more concerned about man's opinion than God's opinion. We are hopeless legalists and hunt for ways to make ourselves feel better about ourselves. Aside from the transformation that Christ empowers, we worship ourselves, not God.
The "best" we can do this side of Heaven is exposing such sin as this. You go, girl! With this post and others like it. Say what needs to be said. And celebrate who you are and what God has given you to say.
In our church, I have to say, we are a transparent group of women (and men, too). We try to be real and to embrace the body of Christ in the particular expression of it in our group.
I am certain there are several similar congregations in Gospel-teaching, Gospel-believing churches around our city. I know you said you weren't looking for "invitations," but I would love to commend our church to you. We are in Bellevue: Good Shepherd Presbyterian Church (PCA), www.gspcnashville.org. We are small, but friendly and welcoming.
Oh, and we're a thoughtful bunch, too. We love those doctrinal debates and discussions! No fluff here. :)
I can say with all sincerity that I have at least a half dozen GOOD Christian women friends (all ages) in this season of life to whom I can turn with life's hardest questions. I can be real and honest, knowing that my concerns are held in strictest confidence, and I do not feel a smidge of judgment or condemnation.
Blessings to you and your family as you navigate these difficult waters.
I have to admit I'm confused... You're having a hard time finding Christian women to bond with and you're blaming GOD? Really? As opposed to the women who are rejecting you -- or yourself -- or maybe, just maybe, Christianity itself?
(Satan made me write that.)
In all seriousness, I must admit that I can’t understand how so many self-proclaimed Christians can go about their daily business without ever making the slightest effort to actually incorporate Christ's teachings into their lives.
If the women you mention in your story were *truly* Christian they should have accepted you with open arms even if you were the nastiest harlot in all of Nashville (which I'm quite positive you're not ;-).
… After all, isn't that what Christ himself would have done?
Even I can recognize that, and I'm not a Christian. But I do know my Bible pretty well, and I seem to remember a bit about "loving thy neighbour." Which is something that most self-proclaimed Christians seem to have a real problem doing.
Why is that?
I'm genuinely curious how so many people can self-identify as devout Christians and yet lead mean, spiteful, vain, shallow, materialistic lives. How can they look in the mirror and think of themselves as Christians? What exactly about their lives is Christ-like?
Surely it’s not enough just to say you’re Christian just because your parents were Christian and their parents were Christian and so on and so forth right back to the day the Mayflower rubbed its crusty hull against Plymouth Rock.
As a Christian, aren’t you supposed to, oh, I don’t know, actually try to incorporate Christ’s teachings into your life? And why the bleepin’ heck is that apparently so darned HARD?
I have to admit that even you, Lindsay, surprised me when you came out a few months back as a devout Christian.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not trying to slam you here. I am a long-time reader and I have always enjoyed your blog. And if you find that Christ’s teachings have enriched your life, then all the power to you.
But… but… but. In more than a few of your posts -- the ones that admittedly aren't my favorites -- you seem to delight in writing some not-so-nice things about people. There were the women in the mommy groups who were so cliquish and snobby... the mean high school cheerleader who you enjoyed snubbing when you saw her again... and how about all those people you worked with at your first reporting job? I don't seem to recall you saying so many charitable things about any of them.
And yet isn’t that what Christ was all about? The whole charity, love, and forgiveness thing?
It’s easy to say that you write unkind things about other people in the name of "humor.”
But in my non-Christian opinion, when you write unkind things about someone, you make the world a darker, less kind place. And that just isn’t funny.
And besides, would Christ think that it’s okay to say hurtful things just to generate a few laughs? When someone has treated you in a negative way, are you really being Christian when you announce their transgressions to the entire world instead of, say, turning the other cheek?
Don’t hate me too much for writing all this, Lindsay. As I said, I’m a fan of your blog and am certainly not trying to make you feel bad. I know your blog isn’t a Christian blog per se – and as a non-Christian myself, I have to say I’m happy about that. If you were always quoting scripture and gushing about your love for Jesus I probably wouldn’t come around here so much.
But whenever you talk about experiencing challenges in your faith, I can’t help but think hmm… it seems to me that you’re more Christian in some areas of your life than you are in others.
However, with your keen insight I’m sure you could easily write humorous and perceptive blog posts without stooping to make unchristian remarks about other people. Words have a lot of power, as I’m sure you know. You can use them to build or you can use them to destroy. I’m guessing you might have a more comfortable relationship with God if you focused on the former instead of the latter.
… But then, what the heck do I know? I’m a Bud-loving Buddhist. ;-)
I totally expect some commenters to come here and remind me of posts I've written that weren't exactly Christianlike. Go right ahead. I have no argument for you. I am flawed. Badly, deeply flawed.
There are plenty of faith-based blogs out there with posts that will inspire you and motivate you and make you want to be just like that blogger. Sometimes, I wish I could comfortably write those kinds of posts. But I don't think they would ring very true.
But what if God is able to somehow change my life? What if I'm able to become some day what I aspire to be? Wouldn't this blog be so much more meaningful as a record of that change than it would if I pretended to be perfect, 24/7?
Lindsay is a real, live person struggling with that transformation process. The difference between her and most of the rest of us it that she is beautifully, vulnerably transparent about that process. Anyone who would find fault with her had best look for the log in their own eye.
Because we're all flawed - and we expect you to be also. To be honest, I have a hard time even digesting a good portion of the faith based blogs out there - they leave me feeling horribly inadequate. I'd much rather read a blog that rings true, with the faith woven throughout, than something that I feel preaches to me.
And it sure seems like most people agree that your imperfections are part of what draw us to your writing... because without them, we couldn't relate. You'd be just like the hundreds of other perfectly fake, hair in place, nails done, never yelling, always smiling mommybloggers. You know, the ones we've been bitching about for the past few weeks?
Lindsay, I'm really sorry about that rant. I went way overboard and I apologize for that. As soon as I hit the send button I was horrified with myself.
Your point about your blog being a record of the change you experience as you grow as a person and a mother and a Christian is spot on and I will continue to come back here and see how you are doing.
(And like I said, if you constantly went on about your blissful relationship with Christ without admitting to struggling with your faith sometimes, I would have to wash my eyes out with soap after visiting your blog.)
But I do think there's a huge difference between pretending to perfect 24/7 and simply refraining from writing mean-spirited things about people.
... You know?
I was a Christian for 15 years and was sustained by only one believing friend for that whole time. One of the reasons I love her is because she does things like yelling the F word at the top of her lungs while holding her Bible in a Nail salon because when she put her feet in the water, it was scalding hot. She doesn't fake it. I prayed for more Christian friends for a long time. I finally got them and have been able to keep them for the last five years.
Don't give up hope.
I reckon if God were of a mind to speak directly to you -- and perhaps He is; you just have to listen to hear the message -- He'd tell you that being you is all that matters. Especially since the you that you've been has been true to yourself, a good wife, a good mom, a community-conscious, charitable soul, who has lived a life not all that unlike the one that God wishes all His children would live. The testimony of so many of your commenters, friends and acquaintances, merely supports and highlights this.
I have no idea what else can be said here, Lindsay. The answers to your questions are all inside of you, and as you wrote this piece, you answered a number of them yourself.
You're a good heart. Nothing more to say.
And ohmygoodness your kids are cute.
Now that I'm pregnant, and my husband and I agree that we would like to provide our child(ren) with a religious community that they can always rely upon, we've been talking about re-starting the hunt. Yeah. About that...not something I'm exactly looking forward to.
Keep it up. Finding a community like this is tough, but finding the perfect fit is well worth the effort.
Like maybe you are intimidatingly outspoken, successful, etc..... and you have this incredibly popular blog.... you're an internet celebrity....and your husband is a Nashville celebrity.....
Maybe they are afraid they will become fodder for your blog, like is she just trying to be part of stuff or is she looking for a story?
I don't know. I am just reaching here.... I have never tried to join a church group once I graduated out of Sunday School.
The problem with both these theories is that I'm meeting plenty of women outside Christian circles who are more than happy to give me a chance, and seem to enjoy spending time with me. And that's good, because now the rejection from certain Christian women doesn't hurt my feelings like it did five years ago, when I first started seeking them out. I have plenty of friends. I just don't understand why I haven't been able to infiltrate the Bible study crowd. :)
I even waited five years to make this statement, because I really wanted to give it a fair shake before I made assumptions.
Let me add, I love reading your blog, you always seem to be writing about things that are dancing around my mind!
Trish
This is the reason dh isn't going to church right now. He's found more acceptance in another group he's in. I'm struggling with it while I visit around.
I've been in this community for over six years. I left one church because I felt some things that were being done were very un-Christ-like. My husband and I started attending another church about 3 years ago and became members. I too have tried to make friends by getting involved in some of the functions and reaching out to some of the women. About two months ago it hit me - I have not made a single friend in the church. I realized that the only time I'm included in something is when someone needs something. I found myself feeling very depressed and frustrated. I really don't want to leave the church but I don't see it as my home the way it should be. I begin wondering what God's plan was for me. I now am thinking that maybe all Christians are like ministers - we're called to be at a church for a time in order to accomplish His works. We may not see what it is but maybe we're there to plant a seed and then move on. Looking at it this way makes me feel less like a failure and more as a tool. I was talking to a friend who now attends the same church (I was the one who suggested she attend so she's not a friend FROM church). I commented on my frustration with not having connected with anyone at the church. She told me she doesn't look to make friends within the church; she only goes to worship. I wish I could see the church that way but I really do want to be able to connect with the women of my church.
I know my rambling doesn't give you any answers but I hope it makes you know that you are not alone and that your post actually helped me feel better.
"I need to be part of a Christian community. I need to have friends who understand what I'm going through spiritually, friends who can support me when I struggle and allow me to support them, too, friends who can debate Biblical issues and participate in Bible studies and help me stay focused on what's really important."
I wonder if people who are spiritual but not necessarily Christian would also be able to meet at least some your spiritual needs. At least in the meantime.
For example, I know there are people who struggle with their connection and growth regarding their spirituality and it makes me think that you may not need a Christian in order to feel heard and understood regarding YOUR struggles with spirituality. And a spiritual person with a Christian background might love to debate some Church or Scriptural issues with you.
I think spiritual people (even if they are not practicing Christians) can also help you stay focussed on what's important—even in the context of your religion.
On one hand I can absolutely see there is a good chance Christian friends will most closely meet your needs. Of course, there is such variability within Christianity that even nice Christians might not be good enough. You'd have to find those who view Christianity as you do.
So don't give up on that, but would you consider looking around for spiritual people who see spirituality the way you do? It may turn out that their particular background or current practice may actually add to what you seek.
Lastly, I can't speak for anyone but myself: I was raised Catholic but am no longer practicing. However, I have not thrown the baby out with the bathwater. I am deeply spiritual and while I retain some connection to my old faith, I've also found connection with other faiths and belief systems. Would I be happy to debate Scripture etc with a practicing Christian? Of course. Just because I am not a practicing Catholic does NOT mean I avoid discussions of the church. it does not mean I am incapable of offering support and advice in the context of that religion. If a Christian friend were struggling with something, I wouldn't say "Become a Buddhist." I would give advice and support within the confines of the faith he/she practices and the way that person believes it. And in fact, I have done so, numerous times.
Like I said, I'm not currently affiliated with the Christian church. So maybe I don't AT ALL know what I am talking about. Maybe you really do need Christians and only Christians. (You most likely do when it comes to Bible study. I was thinking that maybe there's some room with regards to the other things you needed). In any case, you know what you need and I hope you find it.
Respectfully,
Joe
We're moving very soon though (by fall, likely) for him to pastor a church, so I guess I get another chance to start again. Hopefully this new place will feel more permanent, more like home.
I feel for you, I do. And, I know you weren't asking for it, but if you lived nearby, we'd have a Bible Study for people who don't fit into "the box." The Pastor's Wife Box is far too small and flowery for me. :) We'd meet at Starbucks, or a vineyard, or somewhere totally crazy. Hmmm...
I, like you, have been boxing with God over the issues. No, my faith is not wavering; I'm just weary. I hear you.
So far I've got this:
1. Moses didn't have any buddies. Neither did Noah. Or Job. Not that I think I'm like these guys, but, to serve God sometimes means being unpopular. Pretty much means all the time.
2. We're supposed to aim to be like Jesus, right? Jesus had at least 12 close friends. They let Him down at his worst hours. One even sold Him out.
3. We are told we are aliens in this world, so why are we trying so hard to fit in?
4. Maybe this is true for you. I have narrowed it down to really two questions: God, are you trying to show me that I don't really see you as my best friend? Am I seeking to be Christian and have Christian friends, or am I seeking a relationship with Christ? I'm still working on answering that.
BTW, this is my first time at your blog and I usually lurk on blogs for several months before I comment. Thanks for giving me a place to sort some of my thoughts as well. Knowing it might help someone else is motivational.
I just wanted to thank you for your perspective. Quite insightful, I think. :)
I had lots of non-christian friends and found that with my relationship with them God was doing a great work in me and with them. He was using me as an example.... using me to speak to them in a subtle way; mostly through my actions. On many occassions I would get comments about how they "couldn't believe I was a christian". Basically because I would let loose; I'd be my sarcastic, confident self. I was honest about my struggles (with my kids, my husband, myself). I'd stat my opinions even if they were outside of the box. I would go out and have fun. I would (heaven forbid) have a drink or two. Little things that don't typically fit the "mold".
What I am trying to say is maybe your voice is being used by Him to speak to a bigger audience. Obviously your blog is a huge platform. But maybe in your everyday life He is using you in the same way. Obviously, we all need people in our lives that walk the same walk and talk the same talk but maybe right now God wants you for a different purpose. Reaching people - relvealing yourself.
I guess what I am trying to say is let Him use you. And the rest will fall into place.
This is a town where lots and lots and lots of people have had connection with or experiences dealing with the "church". I would call these people "badly churched." There's a lot more walking wounded down here in the South than I'm used to...in other parts of the country, church isn't nearly as big of a deal.
I remember years ago when a fairly well known music executive visited the church we were at...which was really trying to be authentic. He told one of the leaders "man, I really love your church...but I can't go here." And he was right. He needed the connections, the notoriety of going to a larger, "we have our crap together" veneer church.
Our church fairly recently merged with another. Could be better, could be worse. As U2 would say, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I keep thinking of maybe going to another church on the side (a saturday night or sunday night or wednesday night or etc.?). And I may, indeed, do that.
However, I don't think I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for, 'cause I'm pretty uppity. But in heaven, I'll either get it, or I won't care anymore. :-)
We, each of us, continued to run into verses that said things like, "consider others better than yourselves/love each other/the greatest among you will be a servant of all." We learned to love each other and were closer at the end of that time than I have been with any other people. But it was God who changed our hearts, not us.
So I'm just wondering if perhaps rather than looking to find friends at church or in your community if you shouldn't be looking for opportunities to serve others, and love others, and perhaps what you are looking for will eventually flow from that.
I say this of course without knowing the details of what you've experienced so perhaps it doesn't apply. But I'll throw it out there just in case it does. In my experience the question to ask isn't, "Why am I not getting what I asked for?" but rather, "What would you have me do?" Which is the place you've reached. It' s a good place. I think you will get an unexpected answer.
I experience more rejection from women in the church than anywhere else in the world. And it has made me mad from time to time as well. I'm in a current place of peace having found some devotionals and some quiet time that is letting me explore some of that without the rejection. I'm actually planning to start a mom's Bible Study in the fall. It kind of fell in my lap and I tried to pray my way out of it (what? you've never done that? ... me either...) but it just keeps... working... and so I just keep going forward.
Why am I starting it?
It's harder to reject the leader of something, right?
But really, I see the need for something of this nature in our church and community. The first study we are doing is called "The Myth of the Perfect Mom." My Pastor fell all over himself when he heard that one, agreeing that I must have been lead to that one because he sees such a need for it. I hope. I don't know.
I write this not to encourage you to take on a Bible Study of your own. But to let you know that you're not alone. I think women, not just Christian women, suck at letting others in and breaking down their own walls. We expect more of Christian women but they are just as human as any other woman. I try to be patient. I try to be open myself. But I fail just as some of the others who have rejected me fail. I don't mean to but I know I've hurt and offended other (Christian) women. I hope not to do so in our new Bible Study.
But I am human. Crap.
Anyway, I'm still rambling. I will be praying that God leads you to where you need to be right now. Hang in.
I feel this way, and i have my whole life whenever I go to a Christian Church. Now I go to First UU Nashville and it is better. Perhaps you are going about this the wrong way. Maybe you should really shop around and go on instict. Visit a new church every Sunday, and go by first impression. Really branch out, and go to ones you have never considered, because you never know.
Good luck
Looks like you really put yourself out there and were interested in others. But lots of really cool chickas I have met are going to church to get something not give to someone else and they are looking for only other gals to hang with that are exactly like them or that match their children's ages for play mates. Big recipie for unhappiness waiting to happen.
We are going to find our life when we start giving it away to others. Even with a 2 and 5 year old there are things you can do "service" type things, some without even leaving your house. (mercyrising.blogspot.com)
Thanks for keeping it real! Keep up a great blog!
I don't know why it is so hard to connect with people at church. Maybe everyone is so concerned with keeping up the expected image of a "good Christian wife and mother" that it is hard to let that down and really get to know people. You seem like a person who is very real with no artifice. Maybe that is what keeps some of these ladies at bay?
I'm speaking from experience. I was a active member at a small (100-125 attendance) church for 5 years. I had a group of women who called themselves friends but deep down I knew that a true connection was lacking. I left and went searching for a new church and never heard from these "friends" again. This is a very small town, too. There was no catty behavior, no fighting, no big issue to alienate them. They just never called me again. The sad thing is that I knew it would go down like that. And that was one of the reasons that I left.
I hope you find community - either in your current church or elsewhere. I think it's almost harder in a place like Nashville where there are SO many churches. When we decided to start looking for churches, it was completely overwhelming to figure out where to begin.
Once I left college that all seemed to change. And now a decade later, I have yet to find friends that I can honestly share my life with. I go to MOPS and a bible study at my church and the women are nice and we have polite conversation..... but that's about all.
We studied Esther last spring and it was amazing and eye-opening but I really wish it could have gone deeper. I always seemed to be the one stirring things up-- asking hard questions-- not quite fitting into the mold. The other women gave their cookie-cutter correct answers and simply wanted to move on. I wanted to talk about the role of women in leadership in the church. I wanted to talk about the hard parts of being a wife and mother. I wanted to talk about important issues-- yes, the hard ones like gay marriage, politics, finances, etc.
Because if I can't talk about it at church with women who are my sisters in Christ, where can I?
I've often thought about writing a book about this whole topic-- although I'm not sure I have much wisdom to share on how to handle it. Let me know if you have any answers-- we could co-author!
Sounds like we're in the same boat-- wish we were in the same lake (Tennessee is a bit far from me!) I'll say a prayer for you.
Anyway, my answer for you is to pray about it with more than one person. Put yourself out there with a friend or two who are willing to pray with you, and you'd be amazed at what God will bless you with. I did just that when I was at a particular low point, and I can trace from that one prayer how Christian friends have entered my life. I finally found Christians who accept me for the crazy hose beast that I can be, and many of them I would never have chosen as a friend for myself, but we all really connect spiritually. Having a church that encourages community dinners or other activities has also been a bonus in trying to meet like-minded Christian folk. Unfortunately, you're never really going to make friends at church unless you actively meet with the members outside of church. Check out http://www.midtownfellowship.org/?q=node/1 - they're really good about sending the message home that we need to connect with each other more deeply, outside of church. Eventually, you'll find some good people who will high five you for your outspoken-ness and not run the other way, such as myself! Good luck!