Suburban Turmoil - Latest Comments in Blackballed

Re: Blackballed

Titus2fam — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 09:15:33 -0000

I have also experienced this!!!! More support, love, and acceptance form non-Christians. I'm so sorry you are going through this~is it getting any better? (((((HUGS))))) sandi

Re: Blackballed

Faithworks — Thu, 14 Oct 2010 09:06:39 -0000

God is a trusting God, but its your faith that motivates God, you must have faith do not look at your present situation, because God can your bad situation into extreme success he must have fath and know that with all your heart, soul and mind he is your source, humans can do whaterver they seem fit but remember God has the last word, just trust him. Pray continously and read his word. God Bless.

Re: Blackballed

Plug — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 08:36:58 -0000

You said, "He call us to be part of a body even though it can be stinkin' difficult..." Apparently somebody's gotta be the asshole, and some "bodies" have a few extra!

Re: Blackballed

Name — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:11:48 -0000

Ditto, Jill! Didn't see your comment before I posted or I would have just added it here. This really touched a nerve with me: What people call themselves pales in comparison to what they actually do.

Well said- and way more concise than my rambling!

Re: Blackballed

Name — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 06:07:36 -0000

Wow, Lindsay. That's some seriously painful stuff and a REALLY brave, honest post. Here's my take on it: "Christian" just means "follower of Christ". The problem is, so many that call themselves Christian seem to think it means "better than other people/ Christ-LIKE". We can all aspire to be Christ-like but the real deal is that we are inescapably human. So... I think you're going about this the wrong way. Instead of looking for friends who call themselves Christians, how about looking for people who are followers of Christ and don't necessarily need to call themselves anything . Think about how Christ wants us to be- kind, loving, honest, and so on. There are people out there walking THAT walk instead of busily talking the talk and then turning around and spurning people like yourself. Personally, when I hear someone call themselves a Christian, I cringe and want to run away because invariably I find them to be some of the most messed up, hateful un-Christ-like people I have ever met. Yeah, I'm being judgmental here. But at least I'm not calling myself a Christian while doing it! Some of the best Christians I've ever met never, ever, ever called themselves that.

Re: Blackballed

Beth — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 20:16:28 -0000

I totally feel you, girl. I myself have always been a little outspoken, in what I thought was a funny and cheeky way, but which many take to be rude and offensive. My outward actions have typically been behavior ill-becoming of a "Christian". I have always had a hard time fitting in with religious-affiliated groups, and never was this more evident than when I tried to join Christian activities during college - talk about feeling like you were blackballed just for trying to mingle with other Christians! Sadly, this seems to be such a typical experience for most of my Christian friends - why are we all so mean to each other?

Anyway, my answer for you is to pray about it with more than one person. Put yourself out there with a friend or two who are willing to pray with you, and you'd be amazed at what God will bless you with. I did just that when I was at a particular low point, and I can trace from that one prayer how Christian friends have entered my life. I finally found Christians who accept me for the crazy hose beast that I can be, and many of them I would never have chosen as a friend for myself, but we all really connect spiritually. Having a church that encourages community dinners or other activities has also been a bonus in trying to meet like-minded Christian folk. Unfortunately, you're never really going to make friends at church unless you actively meet with the members outside of church. Check out http://www.midtownfellowshi... - they're really good about sending the message home that we need to connect with each other more deeply, outside of church. Eventually, you'll find some good people who will high five you for your outspoken-ness and not run the other way, such as myself! Good luck!

Re: Blackballed

Krista — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:36:32 -0000

So I'm a little late to the game here-- out of town and now catching up on my favorite blogs. I SO hear you on this one. This is something that I too have had a hard time with since leaving college. In college I had great Christian friends. Sure, we had our differences and we even disagreed on some issues, but we were always open to discussion and sharing the good and difficult areas of our lives.

Once I left college that all seemed to change. And now a decade later, I have yet to find friends that I can honestly share my life with. I go to MOPS and a bible study at my church and the women are nice and we have polite conversation..... but that's about all.

We studied Esther last spring and it was amazing and eye-opening but I really wish it could have gone deeper. I always seemed to be the one stirring things up-- asking hard questions-- not quite fitting into the mold. The other women gave their cookie-cutter correct answers and simply wanted to move on. I wanted to talk about the role of women in leadership in the church. I wanted to talk about the hard parts of being a wife and mother. I wanted to talk about important issues-- yes, the hard ones like gay marriage, politics, finances, etc.

Because if I can't talk about it at church with women who are my sisters in Christ, where can I?

I've often thought about writing a book about this whole topic-- although I'm not sure I have much wisdom to share on how to handle it. Let me know if you have any answers-- we could co-author!

Sounds like we're in the same boat-- wish we were in the same lake (Tennessee is a bit far from me!) I'll say a prayer for you.

Re: Blackballed

Shannon Truss — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 20:24:26 -0000

I'm clearly way behind in reading your blog, but I totally relate to this post. It took me years to feel like I could really be myself at our current church - I think I attended women's bible studies for 3-5 years before finding a group of women that I really connected with. I definitely appreciated them once I found them. Unlike you, I think I just held back on being who I was until I found a group I could trust. I believe your way is the right way to do it. We shouldn't try to be someone else in order to find community. I'm learning to put this to the test in my own life right now because we are now trying to find a new church - not because my husband and I aren't connected and happy where we are - but because my daughters aren't making connections. This has been a difficult process for us and a much longer one that I realized it would be.

I hope you find community - either in your current church or elsewhere. I think it's almost harder in a place like Nashville where there are SO many churches. When we decided to start looking for churches, it was completely overwhelming to figure out where to begin.

Re: Blackballed

daisy75 — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:28:39 -0000

this post makes me sad for you, and for all the many women who commented and have gone through the same thing. This is not how the body of Christ is supposed to look like, and it is a shame that Christians do such a great disservice to His name. I wish we lived in the same community and I could welcome you into our church, small group, and Women's Bible Study. But since we don't, I will pray for you from afar, as well as be more deliberate in reaching out to the women who do come to our church.

Re: Blackballed

Jess — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 22:33:48 -0000

I agree with you. But...if you can put all that aside and focus on the relationship between you and God.... and get rid of all the other "church" distractions...then maybe you will find your place...afterall he created you to think this way!! He knows what he is doing. At the end of the day people will come and go but his truth is always with us. Don't let these experiences ruin your peace, and cause the anger that you have fessed up to. You are doing a good thing by being honest with us, just remembe to be honest with yourself and your one on one time with God.

Re: Blackballed

Tracie — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 21:01:34 -0000

Love your blog!

I don't know why it is so hard to connect with people at church. Maybe everyone is so concerned with keeping up the expected image of a "good Christian wife and mother" that it is hard to let that down and really get to know people. You seem like a person who is very real with no artifice. Maybe that is what keeps some of these ladies at bay?

I'm speaking from experience. I was a active member at a small (100-125 attendance) church for 5 years. I had a group of women who called themselves friends but deep down I knew that a true connection was lacking. I left and went searching for a new church and never heard from these "friends" again. This is a very small town, too. There was no catty behavior, no fighting, no big issue to alienate them. They just never called me again. The sad thing is that I knew it would go down like that. And that was one of the reasons that I left.

Re: Blackballed

(((((HUGS))))) sandi — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 10:02:30 -0000

I can sooo relate to this~it's like I'm too liberal for the conservative Christians and too conservative for the liberals. All my friends have moved away, our church is very small, and so my fellowship has been online as well. And I'm missing what I had! But I DO see purpose in it all~I'm sure I am learning to run to my Savior over every little thing rather than drink from the wrong wells by calling a friend for perspective. Still, it's not easy.... (((((HUGS))))) sandi

Re: Blackballed

Lisa-Jo Baker — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 22:52:15 -0000

Wow - this was aching honesty. I had become dialed into your blog via Angie Smith and was about to dial out again after the many posts about the mommy blogging wars, the do-I-link-my-reviews-separately-or-not debacle, sponsorships, corporate mommy bloggers, etc, but this post just hit me right in the heart. And while I wish I (along with many others it seems) could offer you a dose of comfort topped with a dollop of whipped cream, my first thought was honestly, "dude - don't you live near Angie Smith from Bring the Rain? Go knock on her door! I bet she is the Christian girlfriend to beat all others!" And I think from some of her posts she may have had similar experiences with certain parts of the Christian community along her journey that echo yours. Drop by with a dessert, isn't that what Southern belles do? ;)

Re: Blackballed

mandiegirl — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:02:36 -0000

I have been kinda going through the same thing, but a smidge different- I moved from MI to NM 3 years ago when I married my husband, and we attend the church that he has literally grown up in since he was just a few days old. I left not only my family, but my complete support system of wonderful, sister-like friends, and have had a rough go of it since being here. I do have friends here, but my church is seriously lacking women my age, and in my situation. My husband and I don't have any children, and most likely won't for at least 4-5 more years, so we don't belong to the 'parent group' like most others our age, but are kindof old for the 'college age' group. The only women's group is made up of women twice my age, some that possibly changed the diapers of my husband 20 some years ago. ;) I realiza that most would advise to find another church in the area, but because my hubby's been there his whole life, he doesn't really want to change churches. So, I'm left with a few friends I used to work with that are nonbelievers, and a few acquaintences at church, and I rely on my hubby for my companionship for the most part. It's not ideal, and can be somewhat lonely at times, but it's my life right now, and I am just trying to make the most of it. :)

Re: Blackballed

Amber — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 00:25:45 -0000

What really hit me is there are over 100 replies to your post. Looks like you really hit on something here. Bummer that women are looking for fellowship and feeling loads of rejection.

Looks like you really put yourself out there and were interested in others. But lots of really cool chickas I have met are going to church to get something not give to someone else and they are looking for only other gals to hang with that are exactly like them or that match their children's ages for play mates. Big recipie for unhappiness waiting to happen.

We are going to find our life when we start giving it away to others. Even with a 2 and 5 year old there are things you can do "service" type things, some without even leaving your house. (mercyrising.blogspot.com)

Thanks for keeping it real! Keep up a great blog!

Re: Blackballed

smc_nash — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 00:08:08 -0000

Lindsay,
I feel this way, and i have my whole life whenever I go to a Christian Church. Now I go to First UU Nashville and it is better. Perhaps you are going about this the wrong way. Maybe you should really shop around and go on instict. Visit a new church every Sunday, and go by first impression. Really branch out, and go to ones you have never considered, because you never know.
Good luck

Re: Blackballed

Monica S — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 21:09:27 -0000

Maybe this is your gift to make friends w/ people who are not christian so you can show them what someone who loves and reflects God is like. God may want it this way for you so that you can minister to his children who don't follow him. Jesus didn't minister to those who followed him he came to help those who didn't. Just my opinion. I love your writings as always, may not always agree, but your blog always make me think.

Re: Blackballed

Jennifer Wood — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 10:44:13 -0000

Hello, I was from San Diego and moved to Dallas almost ten years ago. Talk about not fitting in! I am a Bahai, Oneness of God religion and mankind,look it up! I moved to the bible belt. Fun! Everyone I met or meet asks me what church I go to, when I say I'm Bahai, they look like they've just been hit in up the side of the head with a pitchfork, This look of fear comes over them, there eyes glaze over and they don't trust and don't want to know me anymore. Real Christian of them! I think that's the approach Jesus would take, don't you? A friend of mine said oh, we will convert you. But I began to realize no one was really interested in converting me. I was invited to a couple of bible study classes which I attended and as long as you stay on the curriculum you were fine, but if you tried to get spiritual on peoples asses they didn't know how to relate or respond or think for themselves! It was very awkward and not very spiritually stimulating to tell you the truth. Some of my Christian friends I've known for a long time, going on ten years now and there more like really great acquaintances. They never ask me about my religion and I can sense that they probably pray I don't bring it up. It does hurt my feeling and I do sort of feel like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. I have tried to seek Jesus, but I got very depressed and Jesus came to me and said he had created me to be a Bahai. God knows what he's doing I just need to trust. I've learned that changing oneself to please other people just isn't worth it. Stick close to your heart and never give up I will love I will forgive and I will be rewarded someway, somehow. God bless:)

Re: Blackballed

Jenna — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 10:18:50 -0000

Bless you.

I experience more rejection from women in the church than anywhere else in the world. And it has made me mad from time to time as well. I'm in a current place of peace having found some devotionals and some quiet time that is letting me explore some of that without the rejection. I'm actually planning to start a mom's Bible Study in the fall. It kind of fell in my lap and I tried to pray my way out of it (what? you've never done that? ... me either...) but it just keeps... working... and so I just keep going forward.

Why am I starting it?

It's harder to reject the leader of something, right?

But really, I see the need for something of this nature in our church and community. The first study we are doing is called "The Myth of the Perfect Mom." My Pastor fell all over himself when he heard that one, agreeing that I must have been lead to that one because he sees such a need for it. I hope. I don't know.

I write this not to encourage you to take on a Bible Study of your own. But to let you know that you're not alone. I think women, not just Christian women, suck at letting others in and breaking down their own walls. We expect more of Christian women but they are just as human as any other woman. I try to be patient. I try to be open myself. But I fail just as some of the others who have rejected me fail. I don't mean to but I know I've hurt and offended other (Christian) women. I hope not to do so in our new Bible Study.

But I am human. Crap.

Anyway, I'm still rambling. I will be praying that God leads you to where you need to be right now. Hang in.

Re: Blackballed

carrien-she laughs at the days — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:49:07 -0000

My husband and I often find we are mostly going to a church to see our friends. The preaching may be awful and the music mediocre, but we like to connect with our friends there. Of course, we are oddballs, and like moths to a flame, we collect other oddballs, (like the old woman who dresses like a teenager and wears platforms and told me last Sunday that she is afraid of just about everything) and then we all sit around outside at the back and talk some days when what's going on inside is especially painful to sit through. I tend to look for the lonely looking people and try to make them feel welcome.

I guess we prioritize connecting with people over the other stuff. Does your church have small groups that you can try joining?

Re: Blackballed

carrien-she laughs at the days — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 00:49:47 -0000

I've been in similar situations. I've lived in community with other people and it seemed the ONLY thing we had in common was that we professed to trust in God. It was hard, it was frustrating, it was the best year of my life.
We, each of us, continued to run into verses that said things like, "consider others better than yourselves/love each other/the greatest among you will be a servant of all." We learned to love each other and were closer at the end of that time than I have been with any other people. But it was God who changed our hearts, not us.

So I'm just wondering if perhaps rather than looking to find friends at church or in your community if you shouldn't be looking for opportunities to serve others, and love others, and perhaps what you are looking for will eventually flow from that.

I say this of course without knowing the details of what you've experienced so perhaps it doesn't apply. But I'll throw it out there just in case it does. In my experience the question to ask isn't, "Why am I not getting what I asked for?" but rather, "What would you have me do?" Which is the place you've reached. It' s a good place. I think you will get an unexpected answer.

Re: Blackballed

nashbabe — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 18:28:48 -0000

Having lived other places, I think Nashvegas is particularly difficult.

This is a town where lots and lots and lots of people have had connection with or experiences dealing with the "church". I would call these people "badly churched." There's a lot more walking wounded down here in the South than I'm used to...in other parts of the country, church isn't nearly as big of a deal.

I remember years ago when a fairly well known music executive visited the church we were at...which was really trying to be authentic. He told one of the leaders "man, I really love your church...but I can't go here." And he was right. He needed the connections, the notoriety of going to a larger, "we have our crap together" veneer church.

Our church fairly recently merged with another. Could be better, could be worse. As U2 would say, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I keep thinking of maybe going to another church on the side (a saturday night or sunday night or wednesday night or etc.?). And I may, indeed, do that.

However, I don't think I'm ever going to find what I'm looking for, 'cause I'm pretty uppity. But in heaven, I'll either get it, or I won't care anymore. :-)

Re: Blackballed

Heidi — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 12:53:41 -0000

I have also felt like this in my walk. And have felt like the odd ball out... not fitting that typical christian woman role. I even found myself trying to be someone I wasn't to be friends with these people that I thought would somehow build me up in my relationship with God. But I always felt defeated, frustrated.... empty. I realized that that couldn't have been Gods heart for me. Did he really want me pretending to be someone else just to have these christian friends or feel accepted in this specific circle?

I had lots of non-christian friends and found that with my relationship with them God was doing a great work in me and with them. He was using me as an example.... using me to speak to them in a subtle way; mostly through my actions. On many occassions I would get comments about how they "couldn't believe I was a christian". Basically because I would let loose; I'd be my sarcastic, confident self. I was honest about my struggles (with my kids, my husband, myself). I'd stat my opinions even if they were outside of the box. I would go out and have fun. I would (heaven forbid) have a drink or two. Little things that don't typically fit the "mold".

What I am trying to say is maybe your voice is being used by Him to speak to a bigger audience. Obviously your blog is a huge platform. But maybe in your everyday life He is using you in the same way. Obviously, we all need people in our lives that walk the same walk and talk the same talk but maybe right now God wants you for a different purpose. Reaching people - relvealing yourself.

I guess what I am trying to say is let Him use you. And the rest will fall into place.

Re: Blackballed

Mary Bernard — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 10:43:11 -0000

Holly,

I just wanted to thank you for your perspective. Quite insightful, I think. :)

Re: Blackballed

Rachael — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 10:12:41 -0000

I would try a smaller church. About 6 years ago I joined a church and it was great. I joined there because my son was in preschool there. I joined the MOPS club and the ladies bible class. Most of the ladies were older 50+, but they were great mentors. They really took care of us when my father in law passed away. Things were great until the preacher decided to change names and drop the congregation affiliation. It was a Church of Christ. My family is COC and I have always felt welcome in their churches since they are smaller. Now that church caters to the college age crowd. The change upset alot of people and half of the established members left. Which meant that 90% of the people I knew left. It was sad and I haven't really found another church family yet. Sometimes I take the kids to a mini "mega" church since they have great programs for children but it's hard to connect to people in a big church. Good luck to you!