DISQUS

Kate M · 5 months ago

I haven't read all of the comments yet, but I'm finding your reactions to some of the comments really over-the-top defensive and argumentative. Most of the commenters who said that you made a bad call in this situation did so very kindly. They were also focused on the potential dangers Bruiser faced out of his seat in a restaurant, not on the inconvenience he may have caused servers or other patrons by being both noisy and roaming. Letting a small child roam around a typical restaurant is dangerous. You don't have to be there and see the situation to know that (unless maybe it was a raw foods restaurant where servers carry nothing heavy or hot). What was THE BEST solution? That does depend on the situation, but it's hard to believe there wasn't a safer one. You made a bad call. You claim to own it. Own it, and take the comments for what you think they're worth.

Kate M · 5 months ago

Make that: You made your call. Ooops.

Margie · 5 months ago

I liked the comment someone made about sometimes in a storm having "to dock at any port"... sometimes, those ports are not ideal. I think that is part of the point of this post... "should" Lindsey have just taken Bruiser home/outside/made him sit in his chair... maybe, we weren't there and as any parent knows, EVERY situation is totally unique ... were the other patrons and employees just being kind when in reality, they were a little annoyed (think child in the plane seat in front of you playing peekaboo- gets old shortly)- chances are reasonable, yes... do MOST of us parents, at one point or another, choose to dock in a less than ideal port every so often just because we really, really need to, just this once, even though we probably know better... definitely.

Amy · 5 months ago

As a former waitress, I'm going to have to vehemently disagree with you on this one. Letting your kids run around a restaurant isn't just obnoxious (other people didn't go out so they could entertain /your/ kid while you eat), it's dangerous.

I can't tell you how many times I have nearly been tripped while carrying a tray full of hot coffees, hot soups, hot pasta with oil and butter based sauces that would cause serious burns, etc. by unattended children. My uncle was actually hospitalized for burns that he got from coffee (the oils that are naturally in the coffee cause it to cook you, the same way putting hot oil on skin would). Even a tray of dirty dishes can be a hazard - what if he trips a waitress, she drops a tray, and the dishes shatter and cut him?

I am generally a fairly non-judgmental parent, or at least I try to be, but for the love of all that is good and holy, and for those of us who have made $2.13 an hour plus tips which isn't nearly enough to run an obstacle course, PLEASE either keep your kid at the table or take him to the lobby or outside where he can run safely and without causing injury to himself or others.

Stephanie T. · 5 months ago

As a former waitress myself, I have to agree with the previous person. Kids roaming around restaurants = not a good idea.

I also have been annoyed with parents who don't take screaming kids out of restaurants, etc. When my kids were the age that they were having tantrums, if at all possible, my husband or I would take them outside and walk around with them until they calmed down. Was it inconvenient? Yep. But I think it's just common courtesy so that other diners aren't forced to hear a child screaming while they're trying to enjoy a meal.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

See? I knew I'd get the waitresses telling me what I did was WRONG WRONG WRONG.

I know. I know not to let my kids run around a restaurant. I can't remember the last time I've done it.

But guess what? I'm the kid's mother. I also know for a fact that keeping him pinned into his highchair, in that particular situation, would have been far, far worse for everyone involved (including the waiter) than the alternative. TRUST ME.

And I KNOW it's a good idea to take them outside. Unfortunately, outside was 96 degrees, a couple of feet from a busy road. Do you think I'm going to put my son's life in danger so that YOU'RE not inconvenienced?

Sorry, but no.

And then I'm sure some people will say I had no business bringing him there. But it was a super casual place, where families are welcome. And 90% of the time, he behaves. How was I to know yesterday would be D Day?

The whole point of this post is to take the generalizations and assvice we ALL have for other parents and stop for a minute and realize that maybe it doesn't apply to every single situation.

I'm telling myself this as well, obviously.

Amy · 5 months ago

In addition to being a former waitress, I'm also a mom. I sympathize, believe me. We've had restaurant meltdowns too.

Your reply sounds like a bunch of excuses to me.

We don't go to Chez Fancee anymore, now that we have kids. We plan ahead so that if we have a meltdown, we have a plan (take them to the lobby, take them out - if it's safe of course, or leave). If it's a choice between a restaurant with a lobby and a restaurant without, we choose the one with, just in case.

The trouble is that now you've reinforced his behavior - if he freaks out he gets to run around. He knows it, and next time you go to a restaurant he'll do it again.

You could've taken him to the car and sat in the AC while your husband finished brunch and got yours take out. You could've taken him home and returned later to get the rest of the people in your party. You had other choices, besides letting him run around.

You're not just endangering your own kid, here, sweetie. You're endangering the staff, the people who just happen to be sitting at the table that he is running next to when he trips someone, the other diners.

I know I sound like a sanctimommy, but this is a safety issue from which I will not back down - any more than I would pat you on the head and say, "That's ok, honey, we all have days..." if you said, "Bruiser threw a fit in his car seat and so I let him run around the back of the minivan." It's equally dangerous.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Ha ha. Thank you, Amy, for proving my point. If only I'd had you there to tell me what to do. ;)

emily · 5 months ago

ok, sorry.. i really do like you and am not trying to jump you or anything, but why did you post this if you were not OK with other's views?

Stephanie T. · 5 months ago

Well said. It's not "judgemental" to say that allowing toddlers to run around in restaurants is dangerous, just like it's not "judgemental" to say that it is unsafe for children not to be buckled into car seats in cars. Those are simply facts.

evolve_now_please · 5 months ago

This comment killed it for me. Seriously. Instead of being inconvienienced yourself by having to get your meal to go you decided to inconvenience the wait staff and the other patrons.

As a former waitress myself I know for a fact that everything Amy said is true. Admit it or not, you did endanger your son by allowing him to run all over the restraunt. I bet you also That Mom that would have sued if God forbid he had gotten cut or burned due to your own negligence.

Oh and...the wait staff wasn't ruffling his hair because he was cute. They were doing it in hopes you would get a grip and remember that you are the parent.

purejoy · 5 months ago

people need to lighten up. i'd rather having a roving gnome than have to listen to WWIII in my ear. seriously.

Amanda · 5 months ago

I think we've all had that epiphany. We've all judged before. It's our inclination. It doesn't make it right, but parenthood has taught me that I often don't know the whole story. And, let's face it, whenever we are talking about someone else, we don't know the whole story, whether it's the Braghag or that parent at the Y who let's her kid run crazy all over the place. We say we'd do something different. I know, before I became a parent, I had lots of ideas of how I would do things. Well, it hasn't quite happened that way.
Maybe it's just me, but when I see other people's kids act up somewhere, I thank God that there are other kids like mine around. Sometimes I feel like my kids are the only ones who ever get in trouble!

Heather · 5 months ago

Just think of all the moms you made feel good yesterday. They saw Bruiser running around and they thought "Thank God, I'm not the only one who goes through this." :)

kandis · 5 months ago

i always say "kids like to prove you wrong" cause the moment I think i'm mom of the year, they show me I'm not. Or when I think taking the kids to McD's is a good idea, they show me it wasn't. Or when I think my kids will behave here, they show me that they won't. They just like to prove me wrong.
And in your case with the stares, I just refuse to look at THOSE people. I don't even let them know I see them. And actually I chose not to see them anyway.

ThatMommy! · 5 months ago

lol I have been that mother before. it feels horrible for about 5 minutes until you realize that those people giving you the icy *I can't believe she's actually allowed to have children* stares wouldn't have any more clue than you do if it were them. lol

Looking_Down_Jenn · 5 months ago

I think Amanda's hit the nail on the head. Very often we judge (and I include myself, sadly, in that "we") when we don't know the whole story.

Like the people who stared at me carrying my clad-only-in-his-diaper son into McDonald's a week ago. (I stared right back.) Those poor people had no idea that he was naked because he'd just vomitted twice all over his clothes, that we still had 8 + hours ahead of us in a car to get to my grandmother's funeral, and all I wanted to do was clean him up, get some breakfast, and pray the small pharmacy had drammamine.

They did.

Imagine the looks we got when we tried to actually give him the half dosage of drammamine.

Kathy Newman · 5 months ago

Great post! My daughter, one month younger than Bruiser, performed similar antics on our Father's Day cruise yesterday. We gave her a wide berth, and I know some other parents were shocked. We also had a great time because we were not trying to keep her in a confined space for 2.5 hours.

I do think some of your posts about "shocking" child behavior are in response to behaviors that are inappropriate for a child of a particular age (I'm thinking about the "Henry" story). What Bruiser did yesterday is very normal for a 2 year old!

Melody · 5 months ago

I am "That Mom" sometimes, as well as "that person" who thinks children shouldn't be in specific places when it is just me and my husband, all alone. It really depends on my mood. :)

I really don't think that children should sit in the bar area of an eatery.
That really irks me when parents are in the bar section of O'Charley's on a Sunday afternoon, having a drink, while the child watches.

The more kids that I have, well, I am really not judgemental at all anymore. Most times, I am just thankful that it is not me holding my screaming kid.

sweetaspunkinpie · 5 months ago

i think we all, at some point, say, "I will NEVER be one of those Moms"... we especially say that BEFORE we had ever become a mom. but realistically, we ALL have those moments. and while I used to (before i had kids) become irritated with people like that, I now understand. Granted sometimes there is poor judgement from the parents (like letting your kid knock down every can in the grocery aisle), but really, sometimes, we all just have to laugh and realize that is happens to us all.

Kathy Newman · 5 months ago

Whoops, sorry, I meant "Harry" (from your "to spank or not to spank column...).

Jenny · 5 months ago

I'm with Amy. Howling and running around are not appropriate for a restaurant. I love you and I love your writing, and I will always come back and read, but I think you should have left. I guarantee the other diners would have been grateful, and Bruiser would have learned more about acceptable versus unacceptable behavior in restaurants. And I agree with Amy's reasoning. Sounds pretty dangerous for everyone to me. I once saw people get an entire tray of food dumped on their heads. No telling how much coffee splashes around even without creating an obstacle course for the servers.

Sorry to be such a crab. This isn't meant to be mean-spirited. I usually agree with you. :-)

brittney · 5 months ago

San Francisco is brutal. Kids are scarce here, and kid behavior is not tolerated. The glares can cut, I have seen it.

Caroline · 5 months ago

Hey, Lindsay. I'm the chick with no kids who really loves her friends' kids, and in general doesn't mind kids in public in the least. I think it's so important to take little ones like Bruiser to a restaurant because it teaches them so many things that socialize them. You were well within your parental rights to sit through his tantrum and subsequent glares from strangers.

Suggestion? from an observant non-parent? (for what it's worth) -Tell Bruiser he has X amount of minutes to shape up or be taken home, and that you'll revoke all restaurant (or park or playground or something he values) privileges for a week , or however long you deem necessary to drive the lesson home. He understands plenty to know you mean business. Next time he throws a hissy fit, make good on your promise of bodily removing him promptly from the premises, even if it means you don't get to finish your meal - and don't take him to a place he thinks is fun until he gets it that he needs to "act like a young man." Remind him while he's under house arrest why he isn't being allowed to participate in something he loves. He'll understand. I bet he's better-behaved the next time you're out.

As for karma? Yeah, it's a b*tch, but I don't think this is karma coming to bite you on your butt. It's just a fine line between curbing obnoxious behavior and allowing him to manipulate you and the rest of your family.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Unfortunately, he doesn't really understand English yet. And there was nowhere to take him. But thanks. :)

Valerie · 5 months ago

Caroline, as a mom of two boys ages 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 your suggestions made me laugh out loud! Explaining how long a week is to a two is year old is not an easy thing ;) I do try a similar approach with my boys, but a two year old's understanding of time is very vague. I think you meant well, and I probably would have offered similar advice at one time.

Now I am "that mom" also. We had a similar experience times two. It was followed with my mother-in-law looking at me and saying thoughtfully "I don't believe my children ever misbehaved in restaurants. Actually, they never threw fits at all." My tea almost came out my nose. How do you respond (politely) to that one?

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Ha ha! That's a TOUGH one!

Jennifer · 5 months ago

My husband and I took my son home once after he threw a fit in the parking lot outside of a pizza place before we even made it through the door. We both really wanted pizza that day and darn it if my kid didn't have to ruin it. What ensued was the very worst ride home and remainder of that beautiful Sunday I have experienced in a long time. Looking back now, we've never had to do that again. At the time, however, I wished we had just gone in and suffered through it. Now with two small kids, we just stick to the family friendly places like you mentioned you visited yesterday. And, if my kids act up (which is often), I just leave the waitress an additional tip for her trouble and I even try to pick up the food that the baby scatters all over the floor. To the waitresses, seriously. At least we're not the people who complain about the meal just so they can try to weasel a free meal from the manager. I see that happen all the time with "non-kid" tables.

Wendy · 5 months ago

I just thought up the perfect response(s) this week. You say either:

"I guess you win"

or

"Wow, I guess you ARE better than me"

or

"Wow, I guess I'm NOT perfect"

What can they say to that, really?

Amy · 5 months ago

I've caught that line of shit from my in-laws, too, and my standard reply is, "Yeah, MY parents don't remember all the awful things that I know I did, either. Isn't early-onset-senility a blessing?"

Kristi · 5 months ago

I thought my older child was well behaved in public because I was a good mother. Child number two proved my assumption dead wrong. After my daughter was born, I ate everyword I ever spoke or thought about "bad mothers" and their unruly children. It happens to us all. I don't mind dirty looks or icy stares anymore. I will however "address" anyone who speaks directly to my child - like the chick who made the unfortunate mistake of telling my 12 year old to "shut up" in the movie the theater a couple of months ago. I took the opportunity to let her know that a) it wasn't my son (but the child sitting behind him who wasn't even with us) and b) if it had been she needed to speak with ME. She had no futher comment.

Melody · 5 months ago

Kristi, I can't STAND people who correct my children. Especially people who butt in before I can get to it, and people who have never had kids.

As far as the people who have never had children, well, I don't think they are entitled to an opinion. I can't tell my mechanic the correct way to work on my car, or my doctor the correct way to perform surgery. Why should people who have children tell me how to parent what is mine?


Melody

emily · 5 months ago

ok, now i am getting pissed off.

people who haven't had children aren't entitled to an opinion? seriously??

so if your mechanic takes an extra long time, you're not going to mention it? {can't even begin to think of something similar for a surgeon, and quite honestly can't believe you even thought it was comparable}.
if you bring your child to a place that people pay money to be at, and then let it do whatever it pleases, and not say anything then expect opinions from all parties.. even people without children..
you are a perfect example of how self-absorbed mother's have become..

Mrs. C · 5 months ago

Ya know I feel for you, although I never had those problems when either of my kids were you and I mean never but I have them now. And believe me, it's more embarrassing when either of your 15 or 19 starts acting up. give me a child yelling anytime instead of teenagers who really know better. I have finally just decided what when they start going when we are out, I just get up and leave. I'm hoping it will get their attention and not do it again. You're doing a good job and don't worry about the stares. We do understand but it's different when they are way way older.
Keep up the good work and keep going out.

Jenn @ Juggling Life · 5 months ago

I'm going to have to agree with the waitresses on this one. Four kids and I was never once that mom. I was the mom outside on the sidewalk letting my very active toddler run up and down until the food came. Or I was the mom whose husband was outside letting his very active toddler run up and down until the food came.

People are paying hard-earned money to eat out--my desire to have a good time never trumps their desire to have a good time.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

I definitely did not have a good time, Jenn. My decisions were made based on everyone in there and what I knew the outcome would be if I made them, not what everyone thought they knew about my son. And honestly, people at the restaurant were very nice and not bothered.

And trust me when I say you would NOT have let your toddlers run around outside at this place, a few feet from a busy road with nowhere else to go. I know you better than that.

Deb · 5 months ago

Sounds a lot like a recent lunch out w/my 2 y/o (and his 1 y/o sister--and no other adult). From the second we got there, he wanted no part of sitting in one place--and I ended up paying and hauling them out of there w/dessert left melting on the table. It would have all gone better if I let him run around and get it out of his system, but I was alone w/him and the little one and sort of in over my head. Like you, usually they're awesome to take in public--except when they're not. Exactly.

Becca · 5 months ago

I completely understand where you are coming from. My daughter is 2 and these days I try to avoid going out with her at all because I dont know what to do when she acts up. Which seems to be all the time lately. She is very energetic and very headstrong. I try keep her well behaved and quiet but sometimes it's just not possible. My perceptions on parenting have changed quite a bit during recent months. I am still a strong believer in discipline but I'm a little more understanding too.

melanie · 5 months ago

i have found more and more that if i see someone struggling with a tantrum-throwing child, i try to find a way to let them know that i have been through the same thing, maybe even that same day. for example, i had a screaming, kicking toddler at the library(!) and then let him run all over it because at least he was quiet and i could see where he was. we are all "that mom" at some point, unfortunately....

Sonja · 5 months ago

I've never commented but am an avid reader of this site. I'm really surprised that the moms aren't "getting" the comments about the DANGER of letting children run around in restaurants. As a former waitress, you have NO idea what we have to do to avoid spilling hot food/beverages/sharp flatware, etc. on the heads of your 2 year olds. It's not about the embarrassment or the annoyance of other customers (that's an entirely separate issue) or what temperature it is outside, etc...take them home, you do have an option, which is your own home or air conditioned car, etc.
I'm just surprised that the replies to the waitresses' comments are all about everything else except the DANGER.

Fan · 5 months ago

I was just thinking the same thing! I was also a waitress in another life, and could never wrap my mind around how parents didn't see the DANGER of letting a child run wild in a restaurant. I have seen waiters trip over children and people get hurt. It happens all the time. I even thought about calling child services when the same mother would come in every week and let her toddler "play" on the steps while she chatted with her girlfriends. These are the same steps the waiters ran up and down with huge trays of food. Anyway, it is dangerous and, in my opinion, selfish. Love you, but that is how I see it.

Now, don't get me started on letting kids play with the salt, sugar caddies, tear up napkins, etc. and leaving without cleaning up the mess. My experiences back then keep me from ever putting any waiter through that with my own today.

Gertie · 5 months ago

I have a two year old son. When he acts up, I just take out my etiquette book and open it up to the appropriate page. Then we read it together and discuss its merits. I then explain to him that if he doesn't improve we may have to take away his Kindle for 9-12 days.

I then motivate him by turning the tables with a little role play. What would he say if he was the parent and I were the child? Can he think of some creative ways to address the situation?

Then we have a rousing discussion on the plight of the American bison and the nature versus nurture debate.

Just something to keep in mind for next time, sweetie.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

This just made my day. :)

Margie · 5 months ago

I love this... permission to steal it some day??

Bill · 5 months ago

Hey, that might be worth a shot. I know when my wife threatens to take away my Kindle I do whatever SHE wants...

amyvolskd · 5 months ago

Hilarious!

Margie · 5 months ago

Here here! Whenever I see a child throwing a fit in a store or restaurant anymore... I smile with gratitude that it isn't me... this time! Although my kids are a tad past that stage at 7, 10 and 12- we still get our share of "looks" from time to time and the ever irritating, "Ooh, it looks like you have your hands full!" People who try to tell you that their kids are always perfect in stores and restaurants are either lying or forgetfull.

Diane · 5 months ago

I live in Nashville as well, the heat yesterday was enough to make anyone be cranky. You got to do, what you got to do, and take each situation as it comes. Props to you for taking the heat so your hubby could enjoy Father's Day.

Slartibartfast · 5 months ago

It's funny - I'm having my own senility set in. I remember tantrums and fussiness, but I'll be doggonned if I remember specifically how the problem got resolved. The brain blocks out such memories as time passes, I think that's why parents of older children can be so judgemental toward parents of toddlers.

I do recall three occasions when we literally left the restaurant (paying for our drinks - and one time asking the waiter to box our order to go), but understand that we don't view ourselves as Superparents; but we had discussed "the nuclear option" long before the children came along. There was less stress about it because we always knew when we took the children out that hitting "abort" was an option. Not for the convenience of other diners, but to instill a pavlovian reaction in the kids - meltdown=leave. Right or wrong, it was important to us.

But, I have no doubt there were times we should have left the restaurant and didn't.

We were very lucky - our kids didn't really have a squirmy disposition, and we tended to hurry developmental things, so I think by the time our kids were 2 1/2 we had them sitting in booster seats instead of high chairs. Shoot, they were already in full sized beds by then (with rails). We were weird parents.

So, I'm not judging you at all, I'm just trying to remember my own experience 10 years ago.

I do think a Meltdown Plan should be discussed outside in the car before each and every restaurant visit - that way the adults all agree ahead of time what will happen and there's no pressure to stay (or go, depending on the plan)

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

We've left early before, too. Honestly, I gauged the situation. The people were all nice. Everyone was finishing up their meals. The owner/waiters were totally cool with the kids. It was incredibly noisy. It was too hot and dangerous to take him outside. Our car doesn't cool off unless it's moving, so sitting in the car wasn't an option. Etc. etc. etc.

I made the right call. Unfortunately, dozens of people who weren't there know better. ;)

Slartibartfast · 5 months ago

By the way - I would have give ANYTHING for a meltdown ridden meal with my kids yesterday.

For the second year, the kids are spending two summer weeks in Florida with their grandparents. It gives my parents time with them, and gives them some semi-independence for a couple of weeks.

Unfortunately, that meant (because I didn't pay attention the the calendar when i planned it) I spent Father's day away from both my father and my kids. To top it off, we went to see "Up" yesterday, and I ended up blubbering underneath my 3D glasses, missing my kids.

I say if the other patrons were cool, just enjoy the fact that you were all together for Father's Day.

emily · 5 months ago

again, what did you expect when posting this?
i am seriously just curious.. did you think everyone would agree? i mean, look at how you titled the post, and the first line? it seems as if you're really being defensive and should just avoid topics like this if you don't want views from all different sides. or just don't open the comments up..

Missi · 5 months ago

Um.. I'm thinking with the title being "Judge Not" she was just hoping people wouldn't judge.

I don't think she doesn't want to welcome "views from all sides" otherwise she would delete the negative comments. She left them up. I don't think it's written defensively at all. It was- "Here's what happened and I didn't think I'd ever do it before, but I did. Hasn't that happened to you before too?"

At least, that's the way I read it.

~kris~ · 5 months ago

I always say people are better parents before they are parents!

I'm that parent too - the one who should not take my kids out to restaurants. My kids are naturally loud talkers, extremely impatient and hard to entertain. I've gotten the stares too. I just try to smile and pretend like I'm not dying inside!

Mandy Hornbuckle · 5 months ago

I'm not going to lie, I'm less and less patient with loud, annoying children in public places than I used to be. It's so easy to be annoyed with other peoples' screaming kids when you don't have your own screaming at you.

I know, however, that this is all going to bite me in the butt when I have my own revolting, screaming child in a public place. When that happens, and I see some newly-married kid-free couple roll their eyes, hopefully I'll remember the years I had to roll my eyes instead of dealing with that problem myself (actually, I don't roll my eyes at parents, no matter how irritating their child is, because rude is rude). Circle of life, I guess. My time will come.

I don't judge you, though, Lindsay. Just all the other moms. ;-)

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Ha. I actually won't even take Bruiser to a restaurant unless I KNOW that it's noisy, even though he's generally very well behaved.

Marjorie · 5 months ago

I'm sure the irony of some of these comments on this particular post (entitled "Judge Not," I believe?) is not lost on you, Lindsay. :)

Children have a right to exist in this world (even in public), and to have bad days, just like adults. You are a thoughtful mother who constantly analyzes what's going on with your children and what your best move might be to keep them happy and safe. Sometimes things just aren't going to go well.

Public parenting is not easy, and publicly discussing that public parenting is pretty brave. Great post.

blm03 · 5 months ago

It kills me that you wrote a post about not judging yet you are getting judged in a lot of these comments. :) As a mom, we've all been there. I've gotten dirty looks standing outside a restaurant with my kids, so you know, you can't win.

I've walked my kid around in a restaurant while we were waiting. I guess that makes me a bad mom too. :)

amyvolskd · 5 months ago

Lindsay-
I am also going to have to be a dissenter here as well. I usually agree with you, but not this time. I have to admit, before hubby and I had kids we were "those" people who were easily annoyed by loud/unruly kids in restaurants. Now that we have kids, one of which who is VERY unruly, we are very wary of where/when we take all the kids out to eat. For example, last week we were at the beach and went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, it is an indoor/outdoor really loud place to eat. The youngest, who is 17 months had a meltdown and I mean major meltdown. Hubby took him out calmed him down and brought him back in, meltdown continued. He then took him out to the car while the other two kids and I ate our dinner together. Was it ideal? No way, hubby had just ordered an ice cold beer that sat on the table without a sip taken. I did not want to hear him, so I am sure no one else wanted to as well. Wandering kids make me nervous and I am always worried about everyone else and if they are annoyed.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

We've done that before, too. I gauged the situation. :)

carrien-she laughs at the days · 5 months ago

The real problem here is a culture that no longer values children, or considers them an important part of our lives. Go somewhere outside of the west; India, the middle east, southeast Asia, you will not get one single dirty look for a child behaving as a child of Bruisers age will behave. You may get a lot of aunties wanting to pinch his cheeks and give him candy though. Seriously people in the US who freak out over such silly things need to take a chill pill.

It's not like he was being rude or disrespectful of people. Sometimes they have to roam.

Wendy · 5 months ago

I'm going to disagree (with the culture that no longer values children comment), and this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think our culture has become TOO child-centered. Parents used to be authority figures and it seems now that many of us are letting the kids run the show. I am a parent, BTW. It is a struggle to instill my children with the values of hard work, patience, and respect for authority figures because they see so many of their friends being lazy, impatient and disrespectful without parental correction.

Jenny · 5 months ago

Right on, Wendy. I'm with you 100%.

Julie · 5 months ago

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't! I can't count on all fingers how many times my daughter through a fit in the store and I had to press on and ignore with people glaring their hateful looks my way. However, I came to shop and by golly that is exactly what I will do. Crying kid or not. If you ignore them they stare at you like shut them up if you acknowledge the fit you are told you should ignore it.

You know what I think when I see a kid screaing their head off. " I feel bad for the Momma!" I have been there! I gave birth to her and I will do what I damn well please!

Tami · 5 months ago

As the mom of two kids about the same ages as yours, I feel your pain. Really. My kids are normally great, but at times, well, they are kids, which can translate to pain in the ass.

I do, however, not agree with allowing a child to scream in a restaurant for any length of time. Other people are trying to enjoy a meal, and it's rude to allow your child to be a disturbance. Allowing them to run around? Dangerous. Period.

Making excuses that Bruiser does not understand English??? or that you won't endanger his life in the heat?? (There are other options than standing out in the heat. Sit in the air-conditioned car with him.) I'm sorry, Lindsay. I'm a regular reader, and I think you are a great mom. We all have had our turn looking like the crappy mom. I'm not judging, I'm disagreeing.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Well, as I said, we were sitting next to VERY loud live music, so you absolutely could not hear him. I thought I made that clear. We could not even make conversation at our own table while the music was playing.

Also, our car does not cool off unless it is moving. Sitting with him in the car was not an option. Yes, I could have driven around, in a strange town, by myself.

Uh uh.

I made a judgment call, based on the circumstances. I think I made the right choices because, well, I was there. And I'm his mom. So that's all I can say.

Autumn · 5 months ago

Okay, so you've bashed Lindsay about tantrums and running, but what do y'all think about gobs of screaming laughter? Howling happiness? Same volume, just happy? My son, about Bruiser's age is a squealer. Is that okay?

What about noisy adults? More than once I've wanted to address them, but since they are adults, well, they are just entitled to emotions!

emily · 5 months ago

noisy adults,
noisy cell phones,
people making out,
people screaming at their kids

ANY person that disregards the majority of people around them falls into the category. not just screaming children. and the deal with screaming children is they are just that, children.. it's not like they have a clue that it's annoying, or disruptive. that's why parents are there to reign them in.. adults do, so yes, adults qualify probably more so than the children.. the adults are the ones people are looking at when the children freak out in these situations.

Melanie@thebloggingmum · 5 months ago

There's a reason we don't go to restaurants right now- this post is why. I'd be that mother, and it's simply not something I'm willing to do to everyone else.

Lots of hugs for putting up with not only the obnoxious toddler's behavior but all the dissenting commenters as well. :)

Sonja · 5 months ago

I love kids, and have frequently asked moms of squirmy or noisy kids if I can play with them or help them out with anything. Kids get upset wherever they are (restaurant, grocery store, etc.) and I know it's not a result of parenting, it's just how kids are, they get bored sometimes.

I'm just frustrated and surprised that there's no admitting that letting a child walk or run around unattended in a restaurant is dangerous.

Me! · 5 months ago

This is so funny!! You are being so freaking nice!!!
Kids are annoying, people. Too everybody, generally involved.
You're having to repeat yourself over & over cause apparently people can't read!
Such controversy in a cute post. People, none of you would have the balls to say this to her in person during the Actual situation, i am rather sure of that.

This brought me enjoyment :) Keep being a Good mom, cause a Good mom does what she thinks best.

Jenny · 5 months ago

Me, of course we wouldn't accost Lindsay and offer her alternatives in the restaurant. Most of us (dissenters) sound like reasonable people. In fact, I'm crazy about Lindsay's writing and I come here to read probably 5 days out of the week. Your comment is beside the point. The original post was ABOUT judgement or criticism by other moms. And for the most part, those who disagree with Lindsay's choice aren't even responding to her post -- I responded primarily to those commenters who supported her choice. It's a *discussion*.

Me! · 5 months ago

Thank You Jenny, that is great. I too enjoy lindsay's writings. I feel like i've missed something.. Did i reply to a comment of yours? Did i call you out particularly? I read your comment and felt like it comment was also rather besides the point, as was most of the comments on here. She never asked you to Tell Her What She Should Have Done. She has stated several times, very clearly, that she agrees and that she would normally not allow her son to run wild & that this was a case by case in the moment choice. As you said, this post was about judgement or criticism from other mom's... what was your comment then? I believe lindsay was writing about how we (including her) should stop judging one another because we all have those days. Maybe i'm wrong. Thought it's hard to be a discussion when fingers are being pointed...
I think you & I & everyone could agree that Lindsay is very gutsy to put such things out there and allow us to comment. So props to her. Everyone is trying to do their best, so as she has said, none of us have room to judge.

Amanda · 5 months ago

I too am finding the title of the post ironic.

Lindsay, I don't always agree with you, but, guys, lets get back to the fact that we weren't there, and Lindsay was. She agrees that it was not an ideal situation. She made what she thought was the best decision for EVERYONE involved.

Haven't we all done that before as parents?

Heather · 5 months ago

OK, just reading again and the responses here are upsetting to me.

The comments from waitresses are killing me. The DANGER? Seriously? I was a server and a bartender for years. My family owned a restaurant, I worked in them through college, briefly after that...YEARS of restaurant experience, and never did I freak out about the DANGER of a child out of their seat. IT'S PART OF THE JOB! Keep your eyes open, watch where you're walking. It's not like tehre are 50 kids running all over the place, but it does happen occasionally. So be it! I had far more adults in the way than children (and yes, I did always work in family friendly places with tons of kids around).

Is it the safest option for a 2 year old to walk around? No, of course not. Of course he *could* get something spilled on him. But that's pretty darn unlikely. In all my years in restaurants I never once saw a kid get doused...but maybe we just had very coordinated employees. ;)

What is the liklihood of him getting hurt vs. him making noise and upsetting everyone? "Will this child scream and ruin people's meal?" Keeping him quiet won out. Not a big deal!

I make it a point to smile very nicely at the moms in these situations, and remember what a tough job this can be. Kid crying on an airplane? I try to entertain him and tell the mom I've been there (even though, knock on wood, I haven't). Kid throwing a tantrum in Wal-Mart? I offer the mom the bottle of wine in my shopping cart, since surely she could use it. Kid fussy in a restaurant? I'd talk to the kid and try to give her a minute's peace, so maybe she gets a semi-warm bite oh her meal. I know how rare those are.

I don't think this is some exceptionally patient behavior on my part, it is just being compassionate. What would you like someone to do if it happened to you? If your kid was in meltdown mode, would you like someone to shoot dirty looks or show you to the door? Or would you rather have a little kindness tossed in your direction?

The people who 'disagree' here seem to have missed the point. This scenario happened to be in a restaurant, but it could be a million different circumstances. The point was that we never really 'know' until that moment.

We all have a breaking point. Last week my girls were arguing and making me crazy, and instead of trying to help them negotiate a fair settlement and learn to communicate effectively, I locked myself in the closet for 10 minutes of peace. Was that the best thing I could have done? Nope. Was it what SuperMom would have done? I'm guessing no. But sometimes you have to dock at any port in the storm. Cut another mom in the trenches some slack. I can't imagine having friends who didn't understand that. :(

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Okay, so I'm loving this new comment system, but I just wasted MY KIDS' ENTIRE NAPTIME responding to you people!!

FAIL.

Margie · 5 months ago

The sweeping assumptions being made that a child walking around in a restaurant is inherently dangerous are silly. I assume Bruiser was within her line of sight and not wandering into the bar, kitchen and bathrooms unattended. It's not like she sent him out into the dining room while she sat at the bar or something... really people.

That said, as a veteran of many a melt-down, I did tend to stand firm on the not wandering thing just because I know that MY kids, would see that as setting a precedent (yes, the're in pre-law lol- or at least it seems like it some days!)...but again, that's my kids and I don't presume to say that it is the same for everyone.

LouAnn · 5 months ago

At a small, family-oriented place, I see nothing wrong with the kid calming down, hollering a bit, calming down again, etc as you described. He was probably less noisy than some drunks, giggling teenagers or cell phone addicts I've had at tables near me before. I can't stand the dirty looks people get as soon as their kid makes one sound! It's unfair. And I had lunch yesterday seated next to a 9-year old granddaughter of my friends who was excellent company. Her table manners and general demeanor were better than many adults'.

If you had picked him up and walked around the restaurant with him, and I were eating there, I would have greeted him as you visited my table and thought it was cute and fun to interact with him a little bit. Not everyone would, but I would.

But, as a former waitress, I must agree with others who commented on the safety issue. It's just not safe to let them run around in the restaurant, for the kids, the staff, or the other patrons. From what I've seen of your writing, you're a great, thoughtful mom. This time, I must say I think you were wrong.

LouAnn · 5 months ago

I forgot to mention that although you say the restaurant folks were OK with it, they might not have been but were just pretending. You'll pretend you're OK with a lot of stuff when you're working for tips.

I know you're the mom and you make the decisions, and each case with a child is different. But I bet you to reconsider ever doing this again. It really, really isn't safe.

rebecca2112 · 5 months ago

I have thought the same thing many, many times. The adults in restaurant are often much louder and more obnoxious than the children. But, the second a child makes a loud noise everyone looks to see who it was and what is the parent going to do. Kind of like my in-laws who talk very loud (all of the time). It's okay to listen to their deafening dialogue for hours on end but the second one of the kids make a loud noise they get reprimanded. But I'm not bitter...:)

SoMo · 5 months ago

This reminded me of the time the kids (2 yrs old and 6 yrs old at the time) and I went to meet some people at a local coffee shop. There were 4 children and about 6 adults in our group.

I had bought the kids some sweets and was hoping for an hour of adult time, before they started bouncing off the walls. They were loose in a small area that was void of tables. They were acting as kids, running around and talking loudly.

The oddest scene was the row of single people with opened laptops and earbuds in their ears. Finally it happened, a woman came over and asked us to keep the kids quiet. I remember thinking that the adults, in our group, were a bit louder than the kids and maybe she blamed the kids because don't adults generally gather in coffee houses to talk? After failing at trying to keep my kids quiet, I left. My feelings were extremely hurt and I felt like the worse mother in the world. However, the question still remained, when did coffee shops become the new library? I thought they were for gathering and talking, but I don't generally go, because I don't drink coffee.

After looking back on that, I don't think the kids were acting THAT bad and really I don't believe they were disturbing anyone. However, whenever you come to the Internet to vent or tell a story you are going to have people without fear tell you what you SHOULD have done. Would I have let my 2 yr old roam a restaurant? Um, to a degree and I have. I have, also, been scolded by my Stepmom and given the stank eye by other people. Heck, I am given the stank eye when I grab my child's arm and do the angry mom walk outside to discipline them. Can't win. I have, also, pushed a screaming child in a shopping cart. And have learned that people can judge all they want and it doesn't have to bother me. I won't say it doesn't bother me all the time, but I have gotten better.

I take my kids out in the world to hopefully teach them the way one should act in public places. Lord knows I have seen some unruling adults. I find most people are not too bother, especially if I apologize or say excuse me. Do I have to say those things, probably not, but if it helps diffuse a situation then why not?

Rebecca · 5 months ago

Judging other parents is a colossal waste of time, most of the time...and I find that when I start to do it,one of my4 immediately startsto act up...I consider it the universe telling me toget back to my own work..my own kids...Iblame this judegemental mommy syndrome on John Rosemond and all of his books that package easy answers to new mothers...so there!

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

I really think that some of you are proving my point about judging other parents, so as someone who judges too often, I should feel better about myself, even though this time, the judgments are directed at me!

You realize, don't you, that this is a post in which I said, "GAH, I did everything I said I'd never do!" And I would have done it again, given the circumstances. No, it was not ideal. No, I do not ordinarily let my children roam in restaurants- ever. I gauged the situation and did the best I could. Seriously. I DID THE BEST I COULD.

That said, I can't understand why some of you feel the need to tell me I was wrong. Or that YOU would have NEVER done that. Because I maintain that EVERY parent has been in a situation in which they've done something they'd have sworn they'd NEVER have done, so maybe we should cut each other some slack. That's kind of what this was about.

Lisa · 5 months ago

Hm. While I truly like you, I totally disagree with the way you handled the situation. As parents, when our children do not behave as they should in a public place and interrupt the enjoyment of others, you pick up your kid and leave. Period.

I've had all 4 of my kids at one time or another act that way, and I didn't force those around me to put up with it because I didn't want to leave. I would have been one of those parents glaring at you. A foot-stomping hissy fit in the frozen food aisle of the grocery store is one thing. A restaurant, with a kid running around is another. Don't mistake polite tolerance for acceptance.

And you have also succeeded in teaching him that if he wants to, he can get his way again by acting like that.

rebecca2112 · 5 months ago

I really don't believe that with 4 kids you left EVERY time one of them misbehaved... unless you didn't get out with the kids much when they were little.

Lisa · 5 months ago

Yes, I did. Every single time. I also made it very clear to my kids what behaviors were expected of them and what the consequences would be. For the record, we started taking our kids out to restaurants when they were still in carseats. And when they were toddlers and other toddlers were running around or screaming, mine sat there quietly. When one of them made a fuss, my husband or I left and waited for the rest of the family to finish their meals. If anything, I have had people compliment on my childrens' behavior in public.

I don't buy into the "I did everything I could" excuse. It's a cop-out. And it sends the message, "Go ahead and act that way again because I'll let you." Even a two or three year old can understand what is expected of them and whether or not they have to meet those expectations or can take an inch and run for a mile.

I just don't think it's ok to justify being a lazy parent.

rebecca2112 · 5 months ago

Well, Lisa I still don't buy the every single time statement. I have very well behaved children also and have been told by strangers in public that they are very well behaved, nice children. But, to say that you took them out every single time is simply not true. Either you have selective memory or you are exaggerating the truth. I admit that when I first read Lindsay's post I thought whoa, letting kids run in a restaurant is asking for trouble for many reasons. But having said that, she explained the situation and it sounds like she did what she felt was best at the time. She's obviously an excellent mom. Two year old children just have bad days, I don't care how clear you make your expectations of them. They just get tired, cranky, hungry, you name it. If you want to go through life being self-righteous and judgmental that's your choice, but it will come back to bite you sometime, somewhere...

Lisa · 5 months ago

Sorry Rebecca. You can believe what you want. EVERY single time. Every single time. Just because you don't doesn't mean I have selective memory or are exaggerating the truth.

I offered my opinion. Not being self-righteous or judgemental. I merely offered my opinion. Perhaps in the future, if Lindsay only wants opinions that agree with hers, she should state that in sentence one. And I've tried to be nice about it, but apparently it's preferably to call me a liar or tell me karma will bite me in the behind than accept what I say as truth?

Maybe those of you who disagree with me are feeling a bit less confident about your parenting choices and feel the need to be petty?

rebecca2112 · 5 months ago

No, not really. I'm perfectly confident with my parenting choices (abilities) Lisa. I just think it's better to not judge other people or parents because Karma will get you every time. You don't have to agree with me or like what I'm saying to you either, I don't really care. But I can bet when your kids act out and embarrass you (trust me honey they will) you will remember our little tit for tat! :)

Oh yeah, I think calling Lindsay a lazy parent was a little petty and judgmental (just saying).

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Hi Lisa. Please see the comment right above yours. :)

rebecca2112 · 5 months ago

I have three kids (14, 11, 7) and I have been embarrassed more times than I care to remember. Like yesterday when we stopped to get gas and my 11 year old son decided to get out with my husband, so my 7 year old daughter wanted to get out too. Of course an argument ensued between the two kids about who should or should not be getting out and my 11 year old proceeded to shut the car door on my 7 year old's foot. She started crying loudly, I started yelling "What in the heck is going on!!!". Of course the woman in the car next to us is watching the whole thing unfold. My husband said it sounded pretty funny from the outside because all he heard was me start yelling then the doors shut and he could see my hands flying around as I continued to yell (I mean gently and maturely discuss why they should have behaved differently) the kids. Anyway, being embarrassed kind of goes with being a parent. We all do what we feel is best at the time.

sarah · 5 months ago

hey everyone has had a been there done that and this is my time. I am one of those mothers. I dont always have the option of us leaving. so hugs lindsay i understand

Monica S · 5 months ago

Well I can't judge you. I've been there and done that. I have a 2yr old and a 4yr old and I well take them in anywhere. I do ask them to sit and behave but there have been times when i've let them play or taken them outside etc. Seems to me that no one should be doing any judging unless they were there and knew what the whole situation was.

ruth · 5 months ago

I don't even know where to begin. I never read one book about babies until my Becky was born. I had some baby experience with my sisters’ kids and they seemed to be very manageable. Then I had Becky. It took me four months to realize she wasn't a "potato baby"(a term my mom lovingly uses for baby's that go with the flow). I bought $200 worth of books, and Google her "baby personality type". From birth she came out demanding whatever it is she is demanding at any point in time.

All that to say, that I have been on both ends of this issue. Every day is different. Sometimes we leave the restaurant, others we brave it. I have taken her to the lobby. I have paced her back and forth. My course of action is also determined by the place we happen to be at.

In my search to figure my Becky out I have come across two tittles. "High needs" and "Strong willed". To me she is neither. To me she is a genius. From birth she has known what she wants and cried and now tantrums for it. It is now my job to help her direct that energy and smarts to a positive outcome.

If anyone at the restaurant had an issue with Bruiser they should have had the courage to say something about it. If anyone had politely objected and approached you about it then it would only by courteous on your part to do something about it. As Bruisers mom you know him best.

Via · 5 months ago

Wow. Reading some of those other comments made me go back and check the title again. I totally understand where your coming from though. I have a special needs sister who's 29. She's mentally retarded, basically on the same level as Bruiser. Guess what kind of judgmental glances we get when she throws a fit? It kinda sucks that people don't take into consideration that as her guardians we do know what were doing. So even as an 18-year-old who doesn't have kids I understand what it's like getting those dirty looks. I mean I'm just trying to have a fun night out with my older sister, who yes sometimes does talk rather loudly to people who aren't there. It drives me insane when people judge! You don't always know the full story!

Me! · 5 months ago

wow. Makes you re-think every judgement.

mckmama · 5 months ago

Ahhhh. A post about parents who judge other parents. A club you used to belong to. Me too. But now you don't. Or you try not to. As much. Because you've been there. Me, too. We all have, if we'll admit it.

And then people judge you in the very comments of the post! Classic.

Instead, I offer this twist:

What about if when we saw a mother in public acting in a way we SWEAR we'll never act, we have SYMPATHY for her instead of judging her. Do we think she's enjoying herself? I usually feel really, really BAD for a mom when she's dragging her wailing child around. And, this is huge, what if we then took it a step further and tried to, say, offer her some help!? Or maybe even just a knowing glance or kind smile. I mean, really. Sitting in judgement of another parent when we a) don't know all the circumstances b) aren't perfect ourselves and c) could be doing something CONSTRUCTIVE with our time instead of judging?! Seems silly to me.

And, yes, I agree. EVERY parent has done something they SWORE they'd never do. Lindsay, you may be the mom who sat "impassively while her little son [was] clearly in anguish," but I was the mom who shopped impassively while her little daughter was clearly in anguish.

And I even caught it on video. Here.

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2009/01/tantrums-...

So I think that pretty much puts me in the camp of folks who cannot judge you. And don't want to. Since I have SO been there.

Rachel Molder · 5 months ago

ha ha! I took a video of mine throwing a tantrum last week so I could show husband later how bad she was about not eating her avocado. The baby laughed really hard when I played it for her later. Good times!

Ellen · 5 months ago

Hah! Been there. Done that. Still wonder if the Death Glare is going to find me. Now my kids are older. Much older. And now they are probably getting the Death Glare about me laughing my ass off at stuff they say. Oh well. It goes around, comes around.

Mary · 5 months ago

This post hit home to me, because today I was at a restaurant with two friends, all of us mothers, and we had to ask to be moved to a different table, because the toddlers at the table next to us were screaming and yanking on the blinds, and we couldn't hear ourselves think.

I think this hits such a chord with so many people because so many kids are so awful these days. I work in a tax office, and I can't tell you how many people bring in their kids and let them run wild. Kids have cut themselves on sharp ends. They've turned off the server. They've been shocked trying to pull out plugs. And they've made it a terrible situation for the other people in the office. The parents don't care, and I have had people tell me to go to hell because I asked them if they could please keep their child on their lap, for their own safety. One stormed out screaming that she'd never come back, because I told her that her baby was trying to run out in the street. And I'm NICE when I say these things.

Not saying this is you. I understood that you did the best you could in a bad situation. But maybe it gives you some context as to why people are responding the way they are. There are a lot of kids out there who are completely out of control, and a lot of parents out there who think this is how things should be. Yes, I am going to keep the right to judge them. So should you.

Karen Sugarpants · 5 months ago

Oh man, we've all been there - the art of distraction doesn't always work, that's for sure. And I swear to Pete I'm not judging, but you gotta hear this story. When I was 17, I was a waitress, and this incident happened on Father's Day. There was a family of six sitting at a round table and the mom was well, kind of a bag to me - had a sour look on her face and was curt. She too let her little one out of the high chair to toddle around but she didn't really keep an eye on him. Guess who tripped over the kid while carrying a tray of 4 mugs and a hot pot of coffee? Thankfully, the kid was fine, unhurt. Some coffee landed in the mother's lap. I was horrified, she was screaming, it was the worst. Between the husband, my boss and I, we calmed her down, got her cool cloths and she was eventually okay.
I went to the back room and bawled - I was SO upset that I had hurt someone. My boss assured me it wasn't my fault, calmed me down etc etc. She went out to finish off the table and get them checked out. After they left, I stayed in the kitchen as I was pretty shaken up, and the husband popped his head into the kitchen. I was startled and started to apologize to him once again. He handed me $50 bucks and told me that was the best Father's Day brunch ever. Which uhhh wtf?
I guess because that happened to me, I never did let my kids down from their high chairs when they were little. If they were ornery, we went for little walks but always with an adult. Colour me traumatized!

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

This reminds me of when Chris Jordan posted pictures of her kids riding bikes without helmets and people got all over her and I was outraged that people got all over her, but at the same time had to admit that I had fallen off my bike in a driveway, hit my head on the concrete, passed out for 30 minutes, got a major concussion and two purple eyes, and stayed out of school for two weeks.

Doh!!

The thing is, when Bruiser was let out of his highchair, they were finished serving. There was no hot anything going anywhere. People were finishing up their meals and the room was SMALL.

But yeah, clearly DPS should be called on me.

Karen Sugarpants · 5 months ago

Wow. Did I say that DPS should be called? No. I told you that story for the laugh factor on the $50 bucks. Have I done things other parents would judge me on? Absolutely. But don't mistake my stupid story for judgment Lindsay. I was simply telling you why I haven't ever been able to bring myself to let my kids out of their high chair in a restaurant.
So sorry if you took that to mean your kids should be taken away by authorities. Huh?

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

That was a joke. I realize you can't read tone in comments, but your original comment didn't upset me at all. AT ALL! I swear. :)

Amanda · 5 months ago

It's a good lesson. I think I'll remember this, and when you get all judgemental, I'll just say, "Hey, remember when Bruiser ran around the restaurant on Father's Day"? And, you'll be here like, "Smack!".

Thanks for the reminder today.

kittenpie · 5 months ago

I have to say, I hate feeling like I am ruining other people's dinners or relaxing time, so if ours start getting to be too much, they go out for a quick walk up and down with one of us, or if the Bun starts losing it in the coffee shop, I just gulp back my coffee and resign myself to the fact that my morning relaxation time is shot for that day. I don't like it, but ultimately, it's being a parent, just one of the more annoying moments of it.

emily · 5 months ago

i am going to post one last thing..
it's frustrating, really really frustrating to see that people automatically assume those of us who didn't agree are "judging".. if someone kindly/respectfully disagrees and gets jumped for it, then what's the point of even responding? i have been a fan of your blog and subscribed via RSS for sometime now.. this kind of thing is really disappointing. i think you're an excellent parent, with a wonderful perspective on things.. i wouldn't read this blog if i thought you sucked or were obnoxious or neglectful, or a bad mom, etc. i have seen people go off on blog responses and the people who commented that weren't on the same page didn't appear to be doing that.. maybe i completely missed it because the way comments are set up is throwing me off, but really people seemed respectful, but just didn't agree.
if you'd prefer people who don't agree not respond, you should consider not opening the comments up, or just making a note of it on the blog.. i would much prefer that, then have people assume i am judging you.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

Well, I was admitting that I wasn't perfect, and yet people still feel compelled to tell me I was wrong.

Thanks. I know. I was doing things I would never ordinarily have done. I was also doing the best I could at the time. Still, the situation wasn't optimal.

If I were breezily saying, "Oh, people should always be allowed to let their kids run wild in restaurants," I would totally understand these women's compulsion to wag their fingers. But if I'm admitting it was a low point, why the need to point fingers, when I'm pointing my own finger at myself? What's the point?

Also, I'm responding to comments. I can do that now. It's kind of fun! Would you prefer I not respond? Because I call it "interactive."

Stephanie T. · 5 months ago

I think it was the "I would do it exactly the same way again" comment that made it seem like you didn't think allowing your son to run around in the restaurant was a big deal. Some people just wanted to say that, in their opinions, allowing kids to run around in restaurants is a big deal because it's very unsafe.

And I agree with Emily. Disagreeing does not equal judgement. And I didn't see any rude, disrespectful or "furious" commentors here at all.

emily · 5 months ago

that's the risk of having a blog i guess? and no,i haven't said you shouldn't comment, i guess i just wondered why you posted this if you didn't want views from all sides. i am not really pointing fingers, i think b/c the conversation is interactive, it builds w/ each comment, and so the further you get the more the comments are influenced by other comments, and not your original post.. i didn't see anyone really judging you,and the ones who "pointed fingers" were former waitresses.. if i missed something, i apologize.. i honestly think the comments towards people who didn't approve are more judgmental than the other way around and that's what set me off.. one comment saying people without children don't have the right to have an opinion, i mean really.. if someone would have chewed you out, then yeah, go for it.. but really it seemed like people were really trying to be respectful, and the majority started out with, " i love your blog, and i am a reader" maybe i am wrong, who knows.. the whole thing just irked me.

sam {temptingmama} · 5 months ago

I am That Mother more times than I care to admit.

I've unleashed my kid on patrons in the mall, restaurants during off times, banks, and IKEA.

Once and a while is okay - for their sanity and yours.

Barbara · 5 months ago

Well, I think I would rather have a child behaving badly (or just like a normal kid) than adults behaving badly. We took our girls to a family restaurant a year or so ago, and the grown women (I can't call them ladies) at the next table were well into their cocktails and were unbearable. They were hooting and hollering, cackling and cussing. One lady, very loudly, started discussing the intimate details of her date sometime earlier in the week.

Bruiser can sit (or not) next to me any day. Just keep those women, and people like them, away from me!

Charlie · 5 months ago

First off I want to say My mom still brings me toy cars and blocks to keep me quite when we go nice places (I'm 20). Haha but seriously be that mom Lindsay. Own it girl. But seriously keeping bringing those cars. Slip it to Bruiser the day of his HS graduation. He'll love you even more for it.

Angela · 5 months ago

I love your blog but sorry but I have to disagree - there's the safety factor and Bruiser should've been taken to a quiet area of the place- perhaps the bathroom or an hallway if a lobby isn't available and have had a brief explanation of why he should not be behaving that way. Perhaps he won't listen but at least you could've tried and it's a shock just to be taken out of the situation and had a stern talking-to. I have a 2 year old daughter that likes to walk around, etc but if she doesn't listen, I take her out for a quick walk because maybe the environment is over-stimulating and she needs an environment change. Most of the time it works and if not - we take her in the car and get the food to go. If she wants to go out to eat with us, she at least needs to sit in her chair and participate in her meal. What about toys, coloring, etc? For every situation, I try to prepare in advance for the worst. At most, I always try to bring the in-laws along to help out if she acts up. If you are allowing Bruiser to walk around in restaurants this once, he is two, he's going to think he can do it again. One day my husband took my son to Target and it always has been the norm that he rides in the cart seat and at the time he's around 2 (now 4) - he let him walk and from now on, he would NEVER ride the cart again. Just this once and he has tasted the freedom and honestly, wasn't an ideal situation because he liked to play on the floor, touch every single item.

I realize that you looked around and decided the situation was okay for Bruiser to walk around willy-nilly in the restaurant but at least you could've attempted to take him out for a quick walk. 96 degrees - yes hot - but just a quick walk just to take him out of the loud place and he's like 'hey!' and that gives you an opportunity to explain the situation with him. My daughter is 2 and she understands when she is in trouble and that behavior isn't acceptable. At least it wasn't raining or snowing - now that would've sucked and simply isn't possible.

emily · 5 months ago

ok, see this is where i think it goes towards judgemental and unrealistic..

Darth Doc · 5 months ago

It happens. Bruiser is at the age where the choices end up becoming :
1) Don't eat out, except at places where the kids can frolic
2) Leave him home/get take out until this phase is over
3) Do the best you can while you are out.

I am less judgemental, now that I have had two kids go through the terrible 2's (so to speak). I feel sympathetic.

Chris · 5 months ago

Eh. I think this has gotten blown way out of proportion. You explained what happened, used your judgment, and that's that. Your choices may not have been everyone else's choices, but that's the decision you made for the circumstances. Everyone gets to be "that mom" once in a while. The comments I love are the ones that start out with, "I NEVER" or "my child NEVER".......give us all a break, OK? Thanks for explaining how perfect you and your children are (other commenters, not you, Lindsay). Just make sure you tell us where you hang out so we never accidentally go there and annoy you with our less than perfect children and parenting skills.........

anita ovolina · 5 months ago

People get so worked up over what other parents do. Sometimes I wonder if it's because they have little to do, or more likely because it makes one feel so much better to put anther person down, especially another parent.

You know, I have five children and my husband is military, deployed most of the year for the last four years, I cannot even count the times that I fell short of the 'good mommy' standard.

And it's the people who judge and criticize that make it so much harder. We all make mistakes and do things that aren't perfect. I know, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it would be nice to see some compassion here and there.

Margie · 5 months ago

Heavens to Mergatroid people!!!! I think people are seriously missing the ever lovin' point of this post. It wasn't to ask, "what SHOULD Lindsay have done?" or, "do you think she did the right thing?", or, "What are your thoughts on restauraunt safety?". It was to point out that even the best of us moms, like Lindsay, sometimes find ourselves making parenting decisions under certain circumstances that we never expected we would. THAT is the point... really, I would get annoyed too to have my point so clearly lost on so many who are more interested in lecturing and yes, judging... when you are making an assessment of the correctness of Linday's actions without having even been there.. then it most certainly IS a judgement regardless of whatever anecdotal evidence you have to support your "opinion".

On the topic of restauraunt safety BTW, every situation is different regardless of whether or not you have seen someone get hurt, doesn't make it inherently dangerous... if it was that big of a problem... surely there would have been an Oprah show about it by now... but agin, this really isn't the point of the post... is it?

One more opinion... · 5 months ago

I am, as of now, childless, but enjoy kids/babies/toddlers immensly, and read quite a few "Mommy Blogs". I typically sympathize with parents when their toddler is having a meltdown in a public place (smile and give the "I-understand-I'm-glad-it's-not-me-I-don't-think-your-kid-is-a-jerk-and-he's-probably-really-cute-when-he's-not-having-a-meltdown" look), and in turn, I'm usually fairly patient...as long as it seems like they are making an effort towards rectifying the situation. If the parent is simply ignoring a melt-down, or not making a move to chase down their toddler who is running amuck through the restaurant? That's when I get annoyed & worried about the unsuspecting wait staff buzzing around with trays & drinks.

I've never been a waitress, but I am on their side & disagreeing with you (which is rare)...I, myself, have gotten burned from hot plates or cups and/or hot food or drinks, so I can only imagine if a waitress or patron or, God forbid, a toddler running free was in the line of those hot dishes that are being quickly carried out to their recipient.

If I'm in a family friendly place and a child or children are being loud, I'm not really going to have a huge problem with it, especially if there's loud music on top of their screams, and/or other patrons (adults & children alike) raising the volume, as well. My problem usually rests with the unattended kids running around a restaurant or other venue that is really not suited to that type of activity, regardless of the reason or excuse.

Honestly though, to echo a few other commenters, I think every parent has, at some point, experienced what you did on Sunday. The problem here is how you presented it..."don't judge me, and don't think I'd tolerate this behavior from anyone else's child under normal circumstances--I just feel that I was awarded a free pass for this one because of x, y, and z". I appreciate anyone much more when they can just admit their wrongs & move along without a string of excuses.

Crazy Cat Lady · 5 months ago

Well, I guess I may as well contribute my two cents, too.

First of all, I am a perfect parent. This said because I don't have kids; I have cats. (This was in reference to someone saying the only perfect parent is one that doesn't have kids. I tried to find the post but couldn't.) :)

Second, I don't particularly like kids. My mom says it's because my first nephew came along when I was six. My sisters provided me with seven nephews and nieces in seven years. I couldn't stand them. Now, however, I'm 35 and actually liking the next round of great-nephews and nieces. (I now have five more.) I can play with them and enjoy how cute they can be. Why am I telling you this? Two reasons: because I have seen a wide variety of parenting skills and the results, so of course I know how to do it best :) and because even with my low tolerance of children, I don't have a problem with screaming babies and toddlers in restaurants (school-age kids are another matter). Well, except for the ones that are so shrill they can shatter glass. Holy cow, how do some kids manage to make my ears bleed? Anyway, being around my sisters and all those kids at least made me appreciate that you can't really reason with some small kids. Those of you who are jumping on Lindsay because she didn't "have a talk" with Bruiser, saying that's what you'd do with your own kids: maybe it's a developmental thing? Two is kind of an iffy age; some can be reasoned with but others not so much. Give the woman a break. Besides your two-year-old that you reasoned with may have been close to three, while Bruiser just turned two. That's a HUGE difference in development. (Wow, what am I, a pediatrician? But it's true.)

Also, I just want to point out that when I see a little one getting bored and unruly, I try to "flirt" with him/her. Smiling, winking, waving, etc. can go a long way in quieting a kid.

Oh, one more thing: my mother can honestly say that her kids never misbehaved in social situations, such as restaurants. How can she make this claim? Easy...she never took us anywhere! I'm not kidding. We got our fast food to go, then Dad pulled over on the side of the road, and that's where we ate. As a result, I was horribly uncomfortable with dining out when I hit high school age. I don't recommend the dining by the side of the road route. :)

Okay, now that I have bestowed my wisdom on you all (lol), I think I'm done. BTW Lindsay, you're a rockin' mom, even if you have become That Mom. :)

Cee Kay · 5 months ago

LOL! LOVED this response.

Lindsay, I read your blog on and off (I blog at http://my2centstoo.blogspot.com) Couldn't stop myself from commenting when I saw Lindsay-bashing going on here :P In the 10+ years as a parent I have realized that you can never say "I would never....".My older one was the perfect, angelic child maybe because I had all the time and energy to devote to her. The little one, who just turned two, has a VERY different parent in me. Different, not better or worse. I am more chilled out now. I overlook tantrums. I do try to minimize them whenever I can but sometimes ignoring her is the best way. I know I am rambling but I just wanted to say - I am THAT mom too :) Never thought I would be, but here I am!

anon · 5 months ago

I would have gathered up my screaming, annoying-to-the-other-diners kid and left.
You should have done exactly that.
I have 2 questions:
1) Why didn't you feed him ahead of time?
2) Why didn't you leave when he started the bad behavior?
Because now he 'gets' that he can scream and thereby get out of his seat and run around at public eating establishments and annoy other families, who are then essentially babysitting YOUR child while YOU get to 'grab a few bites'.
Sorry, not going along with you on this one.

suburbanturmoil · 5 months ago

What can I tell you? I was That Mom. Sometimes I can rival anyone when it comes to parenting. Sometimes I can't. This was not my best moment.

Ginny · 5 months ago

You know, I had NO IDEA there were so many perfect moms out there! I'm here to tell you, the "I would never let my kids do that" or "I can't believe she did that" kind of comments are just the ones that come back to kick you in the butt.

My reaction to seeing someone else's kid throw a fit, have a meltdown, or climb the walls in a restaurant? My very first thought is almost always, "Whew! Glad I'm not her--today!" Because, I know I'm going to be her way sooner than I'd prefer. No matter whether you choose to let your kid zoom around risking certain death from coffee spills or wander around outside while your fellow diners eat in peace...there are just some days that you can't win. I just don't see any point whatsoever in judging---yes, folks, that's exactly what all the "dissenters" are doing--Lindsay for doing "the best I could". If you think that you're helping her be a better mom by voicing all the dangers, etc., you're wasting your typing. She, just like you, will do the best she can, and it won't always necessarily seem like the best decision.

Never fear, Lindsay...next time you let Bruiser run, send him by my table, I truly won't mind and will play peekaboo long enough for you to at least have a cup of coffee!

Rebecca · 5 months ago

This whole issue of parents judging parents, especially based on isolated and superficial encounters,gets my hackles up.
As I have said before...I don't see the point in judging other parents. You cannot control how a parent at church, the Y or store or restaurant is dealing with their child. To me it just seems like gossipy, competitive insecurity. You can manage your own child, control their evironment and encourage friendships that bringout the best inyour child. I am far to busy with my four children to wage a countercultural movement against parents who don't do it like you would or your mama would,or like they did it in the 50's..thank you very much John Rosemond . After 11years of this,about the only thing I remain judgemental about is competitive,judgemental parents.

Cindy M. · 5 months ago

Good grief. So many things come to mind. Such as, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Some days I am a GREAT mom. And some days I suck. EVERY day I love my kids to pieces.

My reaction? I kinda chuckled. Because we all have days like this with our kids. Whether we admit them or not. And it's ALWAYS funny when it's not MY kid.

I once read a very funny book by Lori Borgman: "I Was A Better Mother Before I Had Kids." Amazon has it. Hilarious. Because I was THAT mom. I just knew that I wasn't going to make all those silly mistakes other mothers make. All it took was a little good discipline to have perfectly behaved children, right? Those words have been very tasty. And I have GREAT kids. But they're not perfect, and neither am I...a very important lesson in itself.

More than anything, Lindsay, I appreciate your candor.

joan · 5 months ago

I liked the point made about kids proving us wrong. sometimes we take them to a restaurant (or church or swim class or whatever) and they are complete angels. but then a simple trip to mcdonalds turns into meltdown city. that's the whole tricky part. people think we KNOW our kids are going to act up, so why take them to a restaurant in the first place. but they don't always. and when they are good, we start thinking, hey, he can handle this. we can have a nice family meal together in public and it's going to be OK. and then it isn't. it's so frustrating. it's like two steps forward, one step back. people without kids, or whose kids are grown and they've forgotten how tough it is can be brutal in their judgment.

Margie · 5 months ago

Once, when my 3 were younger, they were being serious brats in the line at McD's because they were starving and tired (my fault) and the line was longer than I expected.. I turned to my husband, winked, and loudly declared, "We are NEVER bebysitting these kids again!" Hee-hee... for a while after that, I would order through the drive through, then bring the food in and eat ( I gotta have my free Diet Coke refills!) A tactic I highly recommend! Does the fact that I take my kids there in the first place make me one of THOSE moms? Probably- oh well- I can live with that!

Julie · 5 months ago

My response to people who give me "the look" is always to look up at them, smile and say...
"You know how it is, I mean when you have kids and all, huh?! And, if you don't (or are choosing not to remember), then THIS IS HOW IT IS SOMETIMES!!"
People who judge another parent, for any reason, without knowing what in the hell else could be going on in someone's life, are the ones with the problem! Leave the judging up to God. No parent is perfect except HIM. Sometimes, it's all I can do to make it through Target, with my two children in tow, just to get one item...I certainly feel for anyone else who I see in there with a child going nuts!

Melinda · 5 months ago

Well my Grandmother always said,
"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and everyone thinks theirs doesn't stink"

Shelly · 5 months ago

Wow. I can't BELIEVE the comment battle going on here. I think I might put a little twist to all this. I am not a mother, but I have waitressed in a family restaurant. And that's what it is, a FAMILY restaurant, where CHILDREN can eat with their parents. Come on people!! I have friends and family members with small children and I totally understand having days where they are "that mother" since children have days where they just will not cooperate!

I waitressed in an environment knowing there was a chance of children running, spilling things and being loud. Its part of the job. To throw negative comments for possibly endangering others or the child is a fair argument but it seems she had quite a bit of control and supervision over the situation. I realize this isn't a very strong argument, but holy doodles people!

Lexi · 5 months ago

I especially love when old men get grumpy when children make noise at McDonald's. If you want to drink coffee and read your paper in peace, go to Starbucks. Well...some days.

ewe_are_here · 5 months ago

I wasn't there, so I won't judge.

But I will say that my own mother told me once that *we* (as in my sister and I), never misbehaved in restaurants when we were young because *we knew better*. She of course made this statement when my then only 2 year old was starting to act up in a cafe. I called her right out on her silly claim, telling her I remember being hauled out and/or sent to sit in the car *plenty* of times for misbehaving in restaurants. With my sister. She shut up.

Lexi · 5 months ago

Ah, heck. Ya gotta love the icy glares. I usually ignore the haters.

My (autistic) son was sitting in the cart in Walmart squeaking a bike horn over and over and OVER, and I got glares galore. The little person that lives in my brain wanted to say, "hey, let's take it away and see what happens!" It sucks being a grown-up, sometimes.

Lexi · 5 months ago

Okay, so I already weighed in, but another comment reminded me of a story:

My mom left us in the car while she ran into the cleaners (this was the 80s, she was parked right in front, blah blah blah), and told us specifically not to honk the horn. Well, you can guess what we did, right?

When she came back out to the car, an old lady on the sidewalk huffed (I may be paraphrasing here): "Well, I never! My children would never behave that way!"

My mom, without missing a beat, said: "Well, covered wagons didn't have horns, did they?"