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I placed my firstborn child for adoption. I would be absolutely heartbroken if her Mom didn't love her as if she were her own. She is her own. I want her to experience love from all sides, as she does. She knows that I love her in my way. She knows that she has unconditional love from me, from her Mom, from her Dad and, now, from her stepdad. (Yes, it just gets all the most interesting... but lovely at the same time.)
Why wouldn't a biological mother, adoption or divorce causing the title, want her child to be loved, wholly and completely and without the need for title or question? Shouldn't that be what we want for our children? Shouldn't that be a heartfelt hope of ours? That those who come into their lives, other parental figures or their future spouses, love them with an unconditional, total love?
It's my wish for ALL of my children.
I actually agree with you in re-reading my post that saying "my kids" or "my girls" is okay for stepparents and can even be a good thing. I didn't express that well. What I meant to say was that there should be some sensitivity on the part of the stepparent in terms of "public mothering" when the kids already have a mom who lives and mothers in the same community in which you do.
I also agree with you that the kids' needs trump all. But the fact is that when mothers and stepmothers don't communicate well, the kids are the losers. And my perspective as a mom is that while there are certainly things I could do better from my end to make that communication go better, there are also some things stepmoms could do to help that communication go better. And one of those things is to not be inappropriately aggressive (for lack of a better way to put it) in trying to take the place of mom when the kids already have a mom who is capable of doing it quite nicely, thankyouverymuch.
And before the trolls attack, let me be 100% clear that IN NO WAY am I referring specifically to my kids' stepmother or any other specific stepmother in sharing my views. Instead, I am looking at the issue from the 30,000 foot perspective.
In a perfect world, mothers and stepmothers would get along and communicate. Unfortunately, that's rarely the case in real life. I maintain that if the stepmother is respecting the kids' wishes, she's also respecting the wishes of the mother. If the mother feels uncomfortable with the stepmom around, the kids will pick up on that and feel uncomfortable too, and that should be the stepmom's cue to back off. And that has been my own personal experience from time to time. I've spent the last eight years doing the complicated move-in, back-off dance and it is far from easy. :)
I do have an issue with stepparents of either gender who believe they get to be a full parent, in every sense, publicly and privately, starting the moment they say "I Do," or in some cases, even before that date.
Parenting, whether it's by birth, adoption or marriage (step) is something you earn the right to do. It's not a given. You don't automatically become a parent just because you happen to be married to or dating some kid's father any more than you become a parent simply by the act of producing sperm that leads to pregnancy.
I do have a control "issue." Yes I do. My four children are MY children. I've earned the right to have that "control" via four pregnancies, about 10 years of breastfeeding, 17 years of hard work and one nasty c-section scar. Along with their father(s), I've named them, changed their diapers, held their hands on the first day of preschool, wiped away tears, arranged playdates, sat in hospital rooms and prayed over them, held them 'til the fevers broke, cried myself to sleep with worry, etc, etc, etc. For 17 years. You get the picture.
I am their mother. I am not their "biomom" or "BM." I didn't lose the right to be their mother in every way just because their father and I couldn't remain married. That wasn't part of the deal when i decided that a divorce was the best bad option for all of us.
There are wonderful mothers and terrible mothers (and then the rest of us, who mostly fall in the middle). But you know what? There are also stepmothers who suck. They overstep their boundaries and violate the mother-child bond, couching it all in "the kids' best interests."
And once again, let me add the disclaimer that my blog post - the one that started this (that I had to take down) was not about my kids' stepparent, or about any specific stepparent. It was about this online culture of disrespect for divorced mothers that exists among all the many, many, many stepmom blogs and message boards, where we "biomoms" are pretty universally dissed, reviled, sneered at and insulted by women who believe they have the right to do this simply by virtue of the fact that they married someone with kids.
Obviously, there ARE mothers who are not good parents, and there are situations where the stepmother is the "real" parent, and the mom is absent or abusive (and I noted this in my original, now deleted blog post). But to read those stepmom blogs and message boards, you would have a hard time finding one stepmother who doesn't consider her boyfriend/husband's children's mother to be a moneygrubbing, mentally unstable bitch who doesn't know how to care for her own offspring.
-Katie
PS: One more time for the record: my kids' stepmom is terrific. So trolls, hit the trail. This discussion isn't about me, her or my kids. It's about something bigger than that taking place among women online.
Most stepparents only get to see the kids once a week or fortnight - this is not the same as full time parenting - although some days I wish it was! You cannot claim that you have the same relationship as their primary parent. If your kid was visiting their in-laws fortnightly, it would drive you crazy to have them butting in on their daily lives.
That said, obviously joint of full custody stepmothers is an entirely different situation.
Lindsay, to make your post less biased you should have put up some of Kate's comments that you agreed with. That said, how I would have loved my mother and stepmum to GROW UP and get along! In fact, I might just be sending them this post....
When I wrote this post, Katie's blog post was still up. It's unfortunate that you can't read the rest of it now, but she chose to take it down. Maybe she'll repost it on her site, where she has more control over the comments... I hope so.
And I think if anyone other than Gisele had said it, it would have been better received. But anyone with a memory is remembering that he ditched his baby momma when she was 4 months pregnant to hook up with Miss Supermodel. Things were so bad that when that baby was born, his father didn't even know his name.
And that history certainly wasn't Gisele's fault. From what I can see, she's trying to make the best of a bad situation, which I would contend is what a lot of stepmothers are doing out there. Divorce is never pretty, no matter how amicable the parties involved.
I love Gisele's comments - as a parent you should want the "step" parent to love your child and not treat them as a "step!"
You hit the nail on the head Lindsay!
Brittany
Though Dad and I had a horrendous divorce and have the least amount of contact possible and really can't stand each other, to say that I am "over" it is an understatement. I literally could not care less about him (other than being my daughter's father) and am happy that Stepmom is here so maybe I could have even less contact with him. I am happy for them and hope things work out, but jealousy or envy is NOT in the mix whatsoever.
My best friend is going through a custody battle right now that essentially stemmed from actions by the child's stepmother & her thinking that she should be able to apply corporal punishment because "it's her kid too". Um NO. No no, no no no. She continually butts in with the child's education, states that there shouldn't be extra-curricular activities because "her family" doesn't have time or money to be involved, even to the point of wanting a discussion with the child's doctor before allowing the child to have a necessary surgery - she's overstepped her bounds as a step-parent.
There's a fine line between helping/healthy involvement & interference. So long as you can see that line & the relationships stay healthy for everyone involved I think step-parents should essentially be a third set of hands involved in raising & loving the child. You were involved in a relationship that was well beyond most people's maturity level!
A stepparent does have a different set of expectations from a child than a parent, and generally has more limited authority. That never goes away. So it sounds like in this case, your friend probably does need to get involved.
But to put all that aside, and the child first, you are so so right. I think that reaction is more to the idea of being territorial, and funnily enough, is the SAME reaction most of us would give were the stepmother acting the opposite way - we'd be defensive, astounded, wondering "who she thinks she is" to treat our children that way.
Every child deserves to feel wanted, special, and loved by the people they live with, and not only by their parents, but the people who love their parents. Not diving in will create space that will be the child's first impression of how life was with the stepmom, and may create a space that will never narrow.
I *still* think Tom and Gisele were tacky for getting married when they did. If he loved Bridget enough to have a relationship/ impregnate her, couldn't he hold it off until she had the baby and was stable? I just can't imagine how that would feel with all those pregnancy hormones around! I also think Bridget has been pretty classy about not trash-talking anyone or the situation in the media.
On the stepmom front, however, once again, good for Gisele.
There are dozens and dozens and DOZENS of message boards and blogs online with the sole purpose of providing a place for stepmothers to vent about how hard their jobs are and how awful their husbands' ex-wives are. It's an online cottage industry of mom-bashing. (Google it. You'll see what I mean) There is no equivalent online community (though there are probably a few stray blogs or message boards around) by/for moms whose kids also have stepmoms, even though we too have our own concerns, issues and struggles. And every time - as a blogger - I even dip one tiny toe in to talk about those concerns in even the most general way, I am besieged by commenters telling me I am a terrible parent and that I must hate and disrespect my kids' stepmom (TOTALLY not true).
Being a very involved, loving mama of kids who have another woman playing a mothering role in their lives - a woman I did not invite or choose - is very, very hard. And frankly, it seems it's verboten to say that out loud.
And again with the disclaimer so we can avoid seemingly inevitable personal trolls: my kids' stepmom is excellent, and I appreciate her and respect her. My only point is that people talk a lot about how hard it is to be a stepmother, which I am sure it is. Hardly anyone talks about how hard it is to be the MOM in this situation. And it is hard.
-Katie
I think EVERYONE has sympathy for the mother. No one is acknowledging that it's not incredibly difficult to be in that situation from your perspective. I'm sorry that there aren't more outlets for you online, I'm not sure why that is.
I would just hope that more moms realize how fortunate they are if they're lucky enough to be dealing with a stepmom who's involved in their kids lives and loves them, as opposed to one who would rather the kids not be there at all.
It goes without saying, of course, that I don't think all or most stepmoms do any of the above, but I've seen this kind of mentality enough to know it's not uncommon, either. So yeah, Lindsay, if you, or the other involved, loving stepmoms chiming in here, were my kids' stepmom I'd be grateful...but only after I cried for like a month over the fact that you existed in the first place (Sorry!)
Like I said before, this is a ridiculous, judgmental post, and quite hilarious in perspective of the "blackballed" post.
I'm involved in my step son's life because I love him. I want the best for him. I want him to be the best he can be. But I didn't automatically get love back, I had to EARN it.
As a parent I want my children surrounded by love and while it might sting if they love another mother figure I would rather have that than have them feel unworthy or unwanted.
Very well done, Lindsay.
As a mom, though, the idea of my kids having a stepmother at all makes me feel almost physically pained, so I can't say I'd be able to pull it off with any more grace than my mom did.
I just took issue with Katie's "advice" to stepmoms to back off. I think most stepmoms know the mother of their stepkids is hurting and uncomfortable by the situations. Stepmoms don't like it either. It is certainly not a perfect situation.
As long as the step mother recognizes that she is NOT their mother and never oversteps her boundaries, I'd hope that she loves them like she loves her own.
There's a fine line between treating them as your own, and thinking they are, I've found. And any step mother to my children had better walk it closely.
I totally see both sides of the argument. And being someone that is a stepmom, I understand the relationship that is formed between stepparent and child.
And I've also seen the opposite, where the stepmother (or girlfriend) rushes in and decides she's going to take the mother's place. There's definitely a balance there that can be achieved.
I've been the stepmom, and I've been a stepchild (sort of, it was a common law marriage). Now, I'm the mom of two girls who's father has a live in girlfriend. I'm seeing from all sides.
I realize that this is close to me, and an emotional subject. But I wonder, sometimes, if biological parents who feel threatened by a step parent are, perhaps, feeling guilty for their own lack of involvement. (PLEASE know that I'm making a generalization, and speaking as a stepdaughter, not a stepparent.)
AGREED.
When my parents got divorced, I was 9. And I DID NOT like my stepmom. It was the stereotypical "you're not my mother, so don't try to be" thing. I resented her for a long time with my perception of her trying to take the place of my mom and try to out-do my mom and be the "cool mom". But she was strong and she dealt with my bitchiness and she knew I would come around and see she wasn't trying to replace anyone.
And now, over 20 years later, my dad and my stepmom aren't even together anymore and I still regularly see my stepmom and my half-sisters.
My thing with Gisele is that she almost seems to be flaunting it and doing it on purpose. But that's probably because I hate her and think Tom Brady is an ass for leaving his girlfriend when she was pregnant.
I would consider it a blessing to have more people around, loving and parenting my children. The only thing I would add is that the custodial parent has the final say when there are differing opinions in parenting matters. Should the child get a piercing? What religion should the child be? Those are matters left to the actual parents. The step-parent gets to love on and support the children.
There really is an issue of finding balance between treating another woman's children as your own and acting as if they ARE your own. What if the woman who is now your child's stepmother has very different values than you do? Would it bother you to have her impart those to your child? What if she made decisions about education or personal appearance for your child that you didn't agree with? Would that be okay? Because if it weren't okay, there really wouldn't be much you could do about it except grit your teeth and accept it.
As mothers, we carefully choose the adults we bring into our kids' lives - the teachers, coaches, babysitters, etc. If there are relatives we don't believe are a good influence on our kids - like an aunt or grandparent - we as parents have the right to limit contact between our child and that relative.
But when it comes to our child getting a stepparent, we have absolutely no say in who that person is, and we have almost no control over how that person interacts with our child. It's the ultimate feeling of powerlessness for a mother, and that's scary and upsetting and hard.
I believe there should be more empathy and understanding for the fact that it's not always as simple for us divorced mothers as, "just be glad another adult loves your child and quit complaining."
I am lucky that my children have an excellent stepmother with whom they are developing a very important relationship. But not all moms are so lucky, and there should be some understanding for how difficult that is.
-Katie
At the same time, I would hope that my step son's biological mom realizes that myself and my husband are only trying to love our son (yes, I said "our" because when I married my husband, I took on the responsibility of his son too) to the fullest. And I refer to my kids as "my boys" not "my son and stepson." It's just easier that way.
Man oh man, this is such a tough topic! There should be plenty of love for ALL moms to go around :)
If another woman came into my children's life and taught them that the opposite was a better plan, I would go crazy. And not very quietly either.
Although I understand where Lindsay is coming from, that step-parents can be good parents and love their step-children, I resent the implication that just because I don't want to accept all of a step-mother's well-meaning intentions toward my child that I am a jealous terrible mother.
That being said, I think that every situation is different. Children, though impressionable, are resilient, and if you remain a good person your children will see that and learn from it, and turn out okay in the end. Even if they end up loving that other woman.
I have two friends who are the mom and step-mom of one of my son's classmates. Both are remarried and have a child with their current husbands as well. They live a street apart, room parent together, co-chair PTA events, are both active in the child's scout troop, etc. Their second children play together. I so admire both of these women and their husbands for putting the children first. It's an amazing (though certainly untraditional) family!
Like you, I dove in to my bonus babies lives from the get-go. We (yes we, his biological father and I, NOT his biological mother) have custody.
While I think trolling is awful, I can see why those would be fighting words...
Ah yes, the hazing. Boy do I miss those days.
If you see my blog, I rarely talk about my kids by saying "my stepkids". They are mine to love and take care of.
It may be different since they all live with myself and my husband full-time. Two of the three don't even talk to their mom anymore. I, for all intents and purposes, am their mom. I go to the school for all the kids, I go to their activities, I make their meals, wash their clothes, help with homework and am here when they need hugs and love. I am. Not their mom.
I don't have much to say about the Gisele situation but I am betting she didn't mean anything to be offending to the mother. I give her props for taking on a child that isn't hers. I don't know the backstory with her and the daddy and really could care less. I am just glad that baby is getting love from all the people in his life.
I like to think my kids (see, I said my again) are glad I am in their lives and that I have taken over the roll of their mom.
The nuanced negativity of adding the pejorative "biological" to the title "mother" by some stepparents is baffling to me.
-Katie, just the mom
My advice on how to be sensitive to the mother of your stepkids' children was directed at those families where the mother is an active, full, equal or primary parent.
And as a follow-up to my last comment, I would never dream of calling my kids' father their "biological father." He's their father.
But, on the other hand, one of the biggest reasons I fear divorce is that I just don't think I could handle another woman acting as mother to my children or having to be away from them for court appointed times. Not that I don't love my husband, but the situation with the children would be the hardest for me to overcome. But, I agree with you that you have to put aside those feelings and act in the best interest of your children and it is not in their best interest to be petty and jealous.
I have always thought your relationship with your stepdaughters was a loving one Lindsay and it's obvious you take your role very seriously. You probably don't hear it often enough, but you're doing a great job!
So I had a wonderful example of how wonderful a step mom can be.
I'm remarrying (on FRIDAY!!!) a wonderful man who is Daddy to my daughter, loves her perfectly and makes our family whole and complete.
On the other side, is my ex husband, who was trying to tell Emma that Brian wasn't her REAL dad, because he didn't help make her, to which I replied BULLSHIT!. (not to the five year old, but to my ex) My ex has substance abuse problems, he's been completely out of the picture since she was 2...
He's in a relationship with a woman who just had his child and I'm trying really hard to like her, but I don't.
For 5 years, on my own, I've raising a sweet, moral, spiritual, kind child with excellent manners.. Other parents love her, teachers adore her, and the girlfriend is insisting that Emma go to church with them and that irks me- she doesn't even really know my daughter. She is the kind of Christian who gives Christians a bad name... hypocritical, judgmental....so NO, I don't want my daughter going to her church. All my ex and his girlfriend do is criticize her, and tell me how bad she is and how she needs to be punished. So if she ever marries my ex, she better stay the hell away from parent teacher conferences. And we won't be doing joint birthday parties.
Now if he ever hooks up with a "Lori", it would be a different story...
But he's not smart enough to do that, sadly enough.
I will add I will never stop Emma from calling her mom, if she wants to, but between me and the internet? I don't think she'll be around long enough.
You wanna come to her dance recital? ABSOLUTELY! But telling me she needs a spanking and DOING SO, when we don't and haven't spanked her is in my book, NOT OKAY.
I think that it's another thing that is made to be an issue that shouldn't be an issue. World hunger is an issue. Children who are beaten and neglected are an issue. Children with multiple sets of parents are not an issue.
Any mother who TRULY loves her child and has been the unfortunate recipient or instigator of a divorce, will not be angry that her child has another woman to love and care for her child. A huge part of motherhood is sacrifice, and allowing step-parents to love your own child is a sacrifice that is essential, and hardly the worst sort of sacrifice a mother could be asked to make.
I think it boils down to a control issue. Do we love our children enough to relinquish control to another who would love them? Maybe they won't love them perfectly, or love them in the way we think they should, but they will still love them. They will do their best, and we have to be willing to let go and let them love our child in the best way that they can.
It harms our children if we do not allow them to form their own opinions and ideas about their step-parents.
The thought of a stepmother treating her stepkids as her own does not freak me out at all- I would expect nothing less. I would be concerned if she was not fully invested in the welfare of my son.
My mother didn't want her divorce and was not comfortable seeing my father move on. That was evident to me at 6 yrs old. Also, she was dealing with just having a baby. It became more murky when his wife was more attached to my brother. Kinda left me out in the cold, but my mother had constant concerns that my brother would be taken away and that was more solidified when he went to live with them. It got worse when my dad's wife seemed to accept him as her son, but I was still my father's daughter from another marriage.
There was a big difference between my mom and my dad's wife parenting, seeing as his wife was on the young side and had never had children. To this day there are big differences between the way she, my mom and, now, me parent. Divorce doesn't stop at the feet of the parents' children it moves on to the grandchilden and I assume farther. It is hard for me to explain the situation to my kids. It doesn't help that my dad's wife and I have had many run ins. One weird thing, I do call my "half-sisters" sisters and do my best not to let any bad feelings toward their mother affect our relationship.
I don't think jumping right in is the right thing for every divorced situation. I think much of it depends on age of children, how affected they are by the divorce, and the original parents involved. I could see how the mother of the child would be hurt by the sentiments expressed by Bundchen and I can see where she is coming from. I think making nice with the mother of the stepchildren is a step toward making the kids' life easier. I don't think she should be disregarded at all.
Divorce has taught me one thing, to try my hardest to never be in or put my kids in that situation. I never wanted to be anyone's stepmother and took steps to assure that.
my oldest bro is from my mom's first marriage. i never heard my dad EVER refer to him as his stepson. ever.
and he was never my half brother and never will be. incessantly annoying?? yes. for eternity. but never half.
So, yeah, comparatively it seems really petty to be complaining about a step-mom that loves "too much".
People are weird.
Thank you for posting this. I guess I have "gisele syndrome" too! Trying to live in the manner that you described has been very rewarding for me and my daughter. Her bilogical mother has the same stance as the woman who wrote the blog and it has been very challenging to continue to do the right thing by our daughter. She made the last bashing very visible and since our daughter hs now made it clear she wants me to back off so I have respected that. It is a thankless job, but I have to tell you, knowing I've been as involved as our daughter wants me to be for 8 years, I'm happy to have been there for her when she needed me. I've been assured that once she gets through the teen years her heart and sould will be back as long as I continue to love her unconditionally as I do my bilogical son.
Thank you! You posted this at a time when I needed the reminder. The step-mom gets blamed (at least in our extended family) for any trouble or issues so thanks for reminding me of the positive!
I am today still close to my first step-mother who is really my "other" mom. She and my mom ultimately became coordinated aquaitences then steadfast friends and are still friends today. Their replationship is what I aspired to have with my husband's ex-girlfriend but she had/has another perception of my "role". I've read a lot of these posts and couldn't agree more with those who say it's the needs of the child that should come first. I have to constantly remember that when I'm being bashed by the mother for being involved in our daughters life (at our daughters request I might add). I have tried countless times to cooridnate schedules, appointments etc to be ignored and bashed. It is only hurting our daughter and for that I am truly sad. I am now backing off as it's ime in the dance for that role but ready and willig to step back in when requested.
I'm a step mom and I love my stepson very much. I've always known and accepted that I am not his mother. Unfortunately, his mother died recently, so I am very much stepping into the more step-mothering role. I guess I'll see how it goes. I plan on going to the school meetings just as I do for my own kids and I'm hoping that the line between mine and his will blur.
But I still totally get why Giselle's statement is pissing people off. Because she can totally love him as must as if he were her own, but she doesn't have to get press about it.
I biggest fear is dying only for my husband to remarry some selfish, petty whore who would treat my son and daughter horribly... and that is why I plan to live forever.
In fact, if I die before my kids are grown I really do hope my husband find someone else with whom to share his life and the joys of parenthood.
I'm just saying that I would not want that someone to be a horrible person (such as a selfish, petty whore) caring for my children. I would want some that loved them as if they were her own.
So, no negativity or jealousy here.
Their mom left when they were 8, 9 and 13. She sees them occassionally, but she loved it when I came around (even though she'll never admit it) because I allowed her to just be a friend to her kids.
I think if the step-mother is doing their laundry, making sure they eat their veggies, brush their teeth and all of that "mother" stuff, then she has every right to treat them as if they were her own as long as everybody is on board.
I know my Mom was heartbroken the first time she heard us call my stepmother "Mom" but as she thought about it she realized that this woman IS a parent to us. She made sure she was there for all the important things in our lives that she could be. She built a home that included spaces just for us. She helped us pay for college. She sent us money to pay for weddings and did all the things that a Mom does that way, but more importantly she loves us with all of her heart and makes sure we know it.
My Mom is now remarried for the third time and my new stepfather treats us like stepchildren. He made it very clear that we weren't his children and that he would never treat us as such. He insists that there is a separation between us and makes sure we know that we're not "his." The result of this is that now, even as grown adults, we hate him.
I understand not wanting to hurt a biological parents feelings, but I would hope that as a parent one would welcome the extra love the children receive when a new "parent" enters the scene and wants to love those children with all their hearts.
Also, I remember when I was young that my father had a live-in girlfriend who had a son the same age as me. She was very involved with everything in my life, which was great because my father didn't have a clue about most of the 'girl' things I was going through. Unfortunately, my father was not as involved in her son's life and eventually that is why they split- she didn't want to be with someone who wasn't going to be a father figure for her son and have a vested interest in him.
I think that the more loving and nurturing parents a child can have the better off they are.
I have a daughter that has a step-mom, and she is sure to let her know real quick that my daughter is a 'step' and does not treat her and her 1/2 brother equally, and sadly, her dad does nothing to help.
I have two (step) daughters and a (step) son, and whenever anyone asks, I have 5 children. I don't separate them. If they want to explain, fine by me, but I leave that up to them. I love them like they are my own. I take care of them like they are my own. But I also take their cues. And so far, they all have been positive, and they have always wanted me involved.
Now, their mom has issues about me being involved...but I have always looked at it as it was her problem. Not mine or the kids, and maybe, hopefully one day, she'll get over herself!
If you are a child's step-mother, your relationship with that child begins and ends with having respect for the birth mother.
The kids are usually the only completely innocent ones involved. They did not choose to be in that situation, so their delicate feelings must be considered FIRST!
Either do that, or all the parents can chip in for the therapy bills when the kids inevitably need it.
That's the way lots of stepmoms become (rightly so) enemy number one.
And when you divorce/remarry, IT IS ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN. The children are the ones who take the brunt of a divorce, so the children SHOULD be the ones who are listened to. I would say that *most* children know who their mother is and who their stepmother is and what roles each of them play. It is the adults being selfish (on both sides) that cause tension between mothers/stepmothers.
It is incorrect to call a child's 'mother' a 'birth mother.' And no doubt, quite offensive to many mothers out there.
Sorry, just had to vent.
May you never find out about how all this works from the mom end of things, Lindsay.
I am less interested in my childrens' stepmother loving my children like her own. I welcome her to care for them anytime they are visiting their dad, but the way that she parents her children is much different than the way I parent mine. My children are my priority and while I teach them to respect her, as do I, she is not to take the mothering role. I do that. I have taken great pains to respect her in her role, but I do not apologize if I over-rule her, given a difference in the non-negotiables. Some see this as being controlling. It absolutely is. I am a parent . I have to be in control - but not for reasons of wanting control just for the sake of control. It is all about being the mom I am meant to be and putting the training of my children over the "rights" of anyone else who may enter their lives while they are minors.
But... I would like to think that my childhood experience was the exception when it comes to blended families. My husband treats my 14 year old son as his own. He loves him just as much as our 4 year old Daughter.
I think the reason parent bashing bothers me so much, whether its from an estranged ex spouse, or a step parent, is when you tell a child one of their parents is &$%#@, you are telling them that they are one half &$%#@. Kids cannot overdose on love. SO whether you knew you were their parent the first moment they drew breath, or God knew you would be their parent years down the road... give love and watch them grow.
He couldn't tell you Ben's teacher's name, his doctor's name, his favorite color, his shoe size, nothing like that. The Daver (my husband) could tell you all of that and more. Has always, ALWAYS been there for all of us. There's no doubt he's 20 times the father that Nat is.
But I try to imagine anyone filling my shoes, and I cringe. I would hope and imagine, though, that I would be honestly thrilled that someone else loved my children as much as I do. And that is how I think I'll end my comment.
Man, I am itching to write a post about this.
It was a much different scenario with my youngest stepson's mother. Even though she remarried and expected her husband to be a good stepparent, she didn't like me doing the same (double standard much?). I won't go into all the details, but it was and still is a rocky relationship with my youngest. He picked up on our animosity and felt like he had to "choose" his mom. And the one who really lost out was him.
The bottom line is, it HAS to be about those kids. They need everything and everyone to make them feel happy, loved and well adjusted. Parents and step parents have to leave their egos out of it.
My mom remarried and my step father treated me as his own since the day we met him. I love him as my father. I was devestated just as his own biological sons were when he passed. I always tell people that my step dad was/is my father. My kids had an unbelieveable bond with him. He is the reason I am who I am today. My step father attended my wedding as my bio father wouldnt. My step father bought me my first car. He gave me guideance and unconditional love.
My bio dad and his wife total oppisite. My step mother saw us as a threat. We saw them twice a month. Any time we needed money or feild trips my bio dad would have to tell us no. Anytime we needed new clothes that burden fell soley on my mother and step father. She made it clear that it was her kids that mattered and that was it. There was never a bond with her. It was always an issue to have us go on vacations with my father. He took us but we never did a family vacation with her and her kids. She was cold hearted. My father saw her true colors and is in the process of divorcing her.
I would much perfer the love and affection of a step parent than having to deal with what my step my put me and my sister through. If my husband and I were to divorce I would love that the step parents be involved whole heartedly as that is what is best for my children to see that yes mommy and daddy can get along but they can also get along with new spouses as well. that we all love them.
My son has a step mother who is 9 years older than him. She came into his life when he was 13 years old and, in the case of my son, AFTER all the trouble and turmoil. He's an exceptionally pleasant teenager, but he was a surly, asshole of a young child. This sounds incredibly mean, but it's the honest truth.
She listed my son as one of her children on her Facebook page and, frankly, it bothers me a LOT. His time is equally split between my home and his father's, but he is not engaged at their house. His step-mother is not a mother-figure to him, she is more of an ally.
Add to that the fact that they've been lying about my ex-husband's age (because he's 10 years older than his wife) to make it more acceptable to her friends and I have serious problems with the entire situation.
As much as she wants to play happy family, that's not the case. She is not involved in raising him, she was not a part of his life until he was old enough to not need intensive parenting and, even then, what she provided was tempering his father when he was being too harsh. In fact, since my son's father hooked up with his wife, he's been pretty neglectful of our son. It's his pattern with new relationships. My son keeps to himself the 50% of the time he's at their house and actively avoids his (half) brother who he cannot stand to be around.
I am offended that this *very* young woman has claimed MY child as her own. I am offended that she claims him publicly and discounts that he has a very strong and healthy relationship with my family and only goes to her family's outings because he's not given a choice.
I would feel completely differently if she had participated in actually raising him when he was young. I would also feel differently if he lived with them more than half the time. Her being closer in age to my son than to his father does have something to do with it, but less in terms of age and more in terms of life experience and the very sheltering life that she's led.
It would be entirely different if it was about her *treating* my son as her own, or even referring to him as her son in casual conversation. It's her proclaiming it to the world that bothers me. Because she's not his parent and she has never held that role with him.
One thing I've found helpful is to realize that stepparents are the equivalent to inlaws, especially when the kids are older - they may grow to care for you in your own right, but you're in their lives because you're connected to someone they loved before you were in the picture.
I do agree with Katie Allison Granju re: "Definitely don't start acting as your husband's stand-in or equal ... with your stepchildren's mother." It's just messy, and best avoided.
Secondly, I believe that Bridget has never spoken publicly about her son, nor has she exposed him to public photos. Gisele seems to be doing the opposite of that. (I'm not meaning this to turn into whether "stars" should expose their kids to the media.) I just find it interesting that the two seem to have very different ideas of how the public side of the child should be handled.
I'm just bothered by how much Gisele's actions seem to be about her, and her relationship with the child. I wish it were more about the co-parenting and love that all three parents give the child.
But my daughter is just that...my daughter. Saying she is "theirs" or I am the "bio mom" does nothing more than further make my daughter feel different. She does not want to be a part of the dysfunction. She does not want to call her step mom "Mama _____" because she doesn't "feel" it. I understand this and will not pressure her to do what does not feel natural.
On the flip side, I am also a step-mother. I would NEVER try and step into the place of my beautiful step-children's mother. They have a mother. I love their father. I've loved the children (now 17 and 14)since they were 10 and 7. They are my children too. BUT they are also NOT MY CHILDREN. Nothing, no matter what will ever bridge that bond between mother and child when a family is divorced. I cannot physiologically, mentally or emotionally fill that space. Nor would I try given that they have a mother. For those who feel they need to: have your own children, do not try and make your beautiful hubby's your own. They belong to someone else!
My husband very much feels the same way. We had a very awkward situation the other day when my daughter expressed that she like my husband better than her own father and he was her"Dad." Great you say? NO! She has a father that loves her and wants to be with her. I may not agree with his way of life, his belief system..his anything, but he is HER FATHER. He has as much right to be her parent as I do.
A child has 2 parents: Mom and Dad. Those that are brought into the fold CAN be blessings, but they will never be Mom OR Dad nor should they try. They can be honored friends, confidants and family members. But they are NEVER Mom or Dad. To refer to anyone other than those two as such simply demeans the role of Mother and Father because it confuses those that have to use those terms.
That being said... as a mother, I would be very annoyed if, for example, I went to sign up as party mom for MY CHILD"S classroom only to see that their step-mom had beat me to it. Step-mom can and should make a wonderful addition to the parenting team, filling in when mom can't be there or maybe lives in another city... but if real mom lives nearby and is hands on and involved... as a common courtesy, step-mom should defer to the mother on these things, unless other arrangements have been made.
Not that Giselle is doing this (or you Lindsey)- just saying how I would feel.
My girls' mother worked a lot and couldn't make it to certain events when the girls were smaller, and my husband coached their soccer teams, so those were the things I made an effort to participate in. On the other hand, she loved their dance recitals, so those were purely her domain. It wasn't even an issue. If she wanted to get involved, I stepped back. If she didn't or couldn't, I stepped up. That worked very well for us.
My stepmom always followed our lead - we were teenaged girls and not always on our best behavior. She was very patient with us and I hope she thinks it paid off. I think it has, because I love going to my dad's to hang out with them and I love that my children will never see her as a "step" anything - she is simply Grandma Karen to them. As it should be.
I could see where Bundchen's quotes are provocative, but the tabloids have been singing that tune since the very beginning of her relationship with Brady. Since that relationship began on a controversial/splashy note with Moynanhan announcing her pregnancy so soon after the breakup, it was to be expected that the tabloids had to take some sort of angle on the whole thing. They obviously chose the "competition between mommies" angle, which is sort of a fresh take - sells more copy, no? Also, another VERY important fact is that Brazilians are very, very family friendly - it is Bundchen's culture to be open towards children.
Not...'for being such a great dad and stepmom'.
And like you, I had a stepdad, too, just so it's out there.
And in each case, they ran into a brick wall. A brick wall they tried to batter down. They failed. Never once was understanding or an effort to understand made; they tried the Obama "jam it down my throat" approach, and were rejected. And I have not one regret in that. Not one.
Your method gets two thumbs up, Lindsay. You did it right.
I am and always will be as much of a parent as the punk wants me to be, no matter what his mother thinks about it. I hate that woman with all my being, but I defend her in front of her child ,I buy her gifts, and take care of her child like he were my own.
She hates me, and I get that..I think sometimes she would rather me hate him, too- and that I don't get. No matter what I do, it seems to be something to fight over, and that is just how it is with some exes.
Some people are just cold hearted, hateful, and spiteful.
(then again, what do you expect form a woman who is home and sends her kid to daycare from 7-6pm because he "annoys her"?)
Does it make me some evil person because I love the child she created with my husband? Because I want the best for him? Because he is proud of me and me of him? Because we have fun together?
Is it because I know how to enjoy her son when she doesn't?? (I think this has more to do with it than anything)
He has had so many of her boyfriends he has been taught to refer to as his stepdad, that have fallen through...atleast 8-9 off the top of my head...He has never referred to me as anything other than a parent...He claims to have 3 parents, and that is fine with me.
Don't like it? Too bad it isn't about you.
I am NOT saying that all moms dealing with a stepparent and ex are like this one, but this one is. :)
That being said, though the woman has made my life a living hell from day one (even going so far as to call and cuss me out on my first date with dh), I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER tried to take her place, I just take my natural role as a parent. In my house, as the only woman that happens to be a mothering role.
I do not discipline him, his father does, but he MUST respect me. I DO stick my nose into his education, and she has plainly stated that he is "the school's child to teach" and that it is "not her job"...and I like for him to be prepared. So, yes, I teach him things, I help him with stuff, I will speak to teachers.
I DO do everything I can to be a parent to him, as his mother HATES anything maternal and has admitted to this constantly (until in court, of course).
I CANNOT see getting mad at someone for loving your child like their own, though, no matter the situation. We would want this from a babysitter,so why not a stepmom? Yes, I am the stepmom the mom hates for loving her child.
Throw your stones, point and laugh. I do not care. It is my job to sheild this child from the evils of the world, love him, and teach him as much as I can as one of his parents...and I don't care who doesn't like it- I don't take those responsibilities lightly.
Man times the dad is free of blame, yet gets blamed anyway..and many times this is the same of moms.
It's hard on both sides and you are SO right!!
It's a fine line and I can see different situations differently.
I don't diss step parents as a class. I have known many who found themselves in that role, and did admirably. That just wasn't my experience as a minor with a new step parent. When a step parent comes on the scene, making sweeping pronouciatos about the "slack way I was being raised" and "the party's over", and hearing nothing but absolute insults about my respective biological parents...not only has that step parent started a war, they have lost it with the opening salvo. Neither of my parents were perfect, but one in particular did the best they could. I wasn't pleased with, and didn't understand back then, all the things that went into a marriage dissolution. But I didn't need a stranger to come storming in and dictate to me all the ways my life was a shambles, and how they were going to whip me into shape.
Nor did it work that way.
I was, at one point, in a position to become a step parent. Mine was a more open, generous approach. It didn't work with the youngest, who harbored a fierce will that her real parents be reunited by any and all means, and anything that appeared an obstacle to that was the enemy. That meant me. It was a no-win situation (I wouldn't pit a mom against her own blood, even if her mom were of a mind to take such a stand), and that was that.
I don't say anyone herein was right or wrong with their opinions and approach; I simply spoke for me as a former step child from a couple lousy experiences with it, and in my opinion, saying that I felt Lindsay did a helluva lot right with her circumstances as a step parent.
But anyone who thinks I was wrong and unfair with my opinion and view of my own experience, can pound sand. If you were that kind of a step parent, pounding sand is not enough of what you deserve.
The biggest compliment that I get is that she looks so much like me! I smile and say thanks, and let it go!
I miss him so much.
I've told my husband that if anything should ever happen to me, life goes on and If he should meet someone who loves our children as if they were her own, I would want that for all of them.
Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do, kids will find that you love them and will appreciate them, no matter the label on the relationship. :)
That said, I'm the product of two parents that married and divorced as frequently as they changed their underwear. Most of my step-parents were assholes. Serious assholes. They were rude; they resented my brother and I, especially in the child support area. They resented the attention we received, in relation to both my mother and father. At the end of the day, it was no secret that they did not like us. Not a bit, and we were good kids, well behaved children that could not help or account for the decisions of our parents. I think any child with a step-parent willing to go above and beyond is very, very lucky.
I completely agree with you about letting the kids lead the way. If they are comfortable and seem to want or need your involvement from the beginning, go for it.
I am not sure I trust advice from someone who has never been a step-mother herself, and I disagree that step-children "are not your children, even though you may love them as if they are." They definitely become your children, and they require a great deal more of our best selves sometimes. Being a step-mom (for 7 years now) is helping me to become a better person.
Any issue the birth mother has about this is HER issue; it is not about what is best for the kids, it is about jealousy, envy and possession (it seems to me). I think it is hard for a mother to think about someone else caring for their child (I know I had difficulty at times -- especially when my daughter came back shaving her armpits and legs before I felt it was needed). But it is really not my business (as long as she is unharmed and well cared for). Just because we give birth to someone does not mean that we own them. This is a tough lesson to learn. I am still learning it.
Thanks for posting about this. What a great discussion.