Suburban Turmoil - Latest Comments in The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Twinkles0118 — Fri, 21 Jan 2011 23:49:44 -0000

Ok I am a biological parent as well as a step parent. My husbands kids ARE MY KIDS!!!! I have taken care of them longer then their bio mother has, and now the only reason why she came back into their lives is to make sure that they know that she is their "mother" and to cause trouble all she does is buy their love and one day they will see that and she will be the one without kids cuz they are going to disown her for all she has done!

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Paulk12 — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 05:25:16 -0000

Get your own kids stepparents. They aren't yours. That's how families get murdered in their sleep.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

sunshine — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:03:51 -0000

I love what you have said here. I absolutely love my step daughters. my husband and I blended our family of 6 kids and we do a great job of co parenting them all. as long as we are united in our love for them, thinking, rules and discipline we have found that they look at us a ONE parental unit and our ex'es look at us that way too!

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Amber — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 03:25:50 -0000

I am standing and applauding what you wrote...which you could see if you were here, but you're not, so, never mind. Anyway, I agree with you. I have a stepson and hubby's ex wants me to not have anything at all to do with 'their' child. Sorry, but it doesn't work like that considering we are MARRIED! She's crazy, but that is another story. I am a stepchild and my dad (stepdad) took on the role as dad full force from the start and I love him dearly times infinity for it. He is the only person I know as dad and I don't even refer to him as stepdad unless the need to be legal about it comes up. I do this for my stepson as well. We were told legally, that since the hubby and I are married, I have just as much right to him as he does. To me, that makes him 'our' child. This could be our state too though. But I do agree that it also has to be with what the child is comfortable with. The parents have to get along somewhat, like it or not, for the sake of the kids. Part of who is there doing what should be up to the kids as well.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Heather — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:50:04 -0000

Katie - I think you're totally right that bio moms get their asses kicked all over the web. But as a step-mother, I tend to get my ass kicked in person. You see once a bio mom finds out I'm a step parent, playdates get cancelled, backs turned, the room turns to pure ice. The online forum is a place to vent because in person, it's really amazing how cold some people can be. I've been very lucky to find some bio moms who "get" it. Moms are not welcoming to step moms. At all.

I'm involved in my step son's life because I love him. I want the best for him. I want him to be the best he can be. But I didn't automatically get love back, I had to EARN it.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Heather — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:36:39 -0000

Amen!

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Pamela Watson — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 17:52:54 -0000

I agree with you, Katie. I've never been a typical person. And I decided long ago that I would raise my kids the way I was raised-- to think and question and never accept the staus quo.
If another woman came into my children's life and taught them that the opposite was a better plan, I would go crazy. And not very quietly either.

Although I understand where Lindsay is coming from, that step-parents can be good parents and love their step-children, I resent the implication that just because I don't want to accept all of a step-mother's well-meaning intentions toward my child that I am a jealous terrible mother.

That being said, I think that every situation is different. Children, though impressionable, are resilient, and if you remain a good person your children will see that and learn from it, and turn out okay in the end. Even if they end up loving that other woman.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Bodhi. Baby. — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 10:24:23 -0000

I am a step-mother to two girls (who are now teens), and my teen daughter has a step-mother.

I completely agree with you about letting the kids lead the way. If they are comfortable and seem to want or need your involvement from the beginning, go for it.

I am not sure I trust advice from someone who has never been a step-mother herself, and I disagree that step-children "are not your children, even though you may love them as if they are." They definitely become your children, and they require a great deal more of our best selves sometimes. Being a step-mom (for 7 years now) is helping me to become a better person.

Any issue the birth mother has about this is HER issue; it is not about what is best for the kids, it is about jealousy, envy and possession (it seems to me). I think it is hard for a mother to think about someone else caring for their child (I know I had difficulty at times -- especially when my daughter came back shaving her armpits and legs before I felt it was needed). But it is really not my business (as long as she is unharmed and well cared for). Just because we give birth to someone does not mean that we own them. This is a tough lesson to learn. I am still learning it.

Thanks for posting about this. What a great discussion.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 18:41:32 -0000

If my husband and I ever split, I truly hope that my daughter's step-mother would love and treasure her as much as she would her own children. I hope that I would be able to put aside any differences I felt with the step-mother for the sake of my daughter.

That said, I'm the product of two parents that married and divorced as frequently as they changed their underwear. Most of my step-parents were assholes. Serious assholes. They were rude; they resented my brother and I, especially in the child support area. They resented the attention we received, in relation to both my mother and father. At the end of the day, it was no secret that they did not like us. Not a bit, and we were good kids, well behaved children that could not help or account for the decisions of our parents. I think any child with a step-parent willing to go above and beyond is very, very lucky.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

titus — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 12:42:21 -0000

I just had to mention this here. The other night, we were watching television on the couch, and my stepson hugged me and laid his head on me and said out of nowhere that he loved me like a real mom and not a stepmom. I about cried.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter what you do, kids will find that you love them and will appreciate them, no matter the label on the relationship. :)

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

ewe_are_here — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 11:42:58 -0000

My stepfather treated my sister and I like we were his beloved daughters, and we treated him like our dad. He was the best parent we could have had -- and did. We were incredibly lucky to have him in our lives, especially since our parents were rather screwed up.

I miss him so much.

I've told my husband that if anything should ever happen to me, life goes on and If he should meet someone who loves our children as if they were her own, I would want that for all of them.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Boston Mom — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 07:31:10 -0000

I think Gisele is maybe not the best example. For Bostonians, she is a curse : ) Soon after she came on the scene, we lost our beloved Tommy for a full season. Also, prior to their relationship Tom's son was not talked about to the press and rarely photographed. Gisele paraded that baby around for photographers non stop, with or without Tom. And I think her comments just added fuel to an already burning fire.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Kate2009 — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 02:53:02 -0000

Lol! It's just not healthy to anyone involved to direct your negative energy towards someone who has nothing to do with the failure of your relationship. It's a waste of time and ends up hurting the kids. The more gracefully a parent handles the situation the better. More importantly, your teaching the kids an invaluable lesson you hope they never have to learn for themselves.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Kate2009 — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 02:42:34 -0000

Your very one sided and I don't mean to sound like I am picking on you and your feelings in anyway. Truth is you seem hurt by what is written online on sites that are meant for "stepmoms". Why are you even on there? If only to torture yourself because you obviously take it personal. The only "stepmoms" who are probably even on there are the unhappy ones and thats what unhappy people do..complain! Rightfully so because that is their space to complain and gripe about how THEY feel. Being a Step parent can't possibly be glamourous in anyway. After all why would anyone want to deal with a difficult situation like that when they can find someone else without kids and an ex. The few that I do know are practically saints and I don't know how they do it. Step parents can only parent as much as the child lets them and I hate to say it but some kids actually like their step parents more than their real parent and I'm sure it's because they "earned" it. The part where you list all the things you have done for your children (which by the way you sound like a very good mom) some Step parents have done as well (except for the giving birth/breastfeeding part) truth of the matter is, not all mom's give birth to their children (there is surrogacy and adoption) or choose to breastfeed but it doesn't make them any less of a parent if they are doing all the same things you do including crying yourself to sleep with worry. Some Step parents become responsible for child support and pay it without complaint. How can you just dismiss that?

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Kate2009 — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 02:10:24 -0000

Hey Karen, If those are your feelings then no one can tell you your wrong for having them as long as they don't affect the children. That is when I have a problem with it. Sometimes it isn't the divorce that affects you the most but the fact that your childrens affections may be divided and I can't blame anyone for that.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Headless Mom — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 00:29:00 -0000

Great post Lindsey. I'm a (step) mom to a teen age girl, too, with other children of my own and your approach is great. My situation is slightly different-I did jump in with both feet, but mostly because her mother did not live in our community and her father expected me to. I've never referred to her as my (step) except in these type of conversations, and she doesn't either.

The biggest compliment that I get is that she looks so much like me! I smile and say thanks, and let it go!

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Kim — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:15:33 -0000

I have always admired how much you love your girls. I think they are lucky. I just "acquired" a stepson and stepdaughter last month when I married their father and I love them and care for them as if they were my own because quite frankly they deserve that brand of treatment. My own children think of them as family as well because that is how we are acting..as a family for heaven's sake, isn't that the point of marriage? Thanks for this, it means a lot.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Irrelevant — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:42:21 -0000

Perhaps I should clarify my earlier comment.

I don't diss step parents as a class. I have known many who found themselves in that role, and did admirably. That just wasn't my experience as a minor with a new step parent. When a step parent comes on the scene, making sweeping pronouciatos about the "slack way I was being raised" and "the party's over", and hearing nothing but absolute insults about my respective biological parents...not only has that step parent started a war, they have lost it with the opening salvo. Neither of my parents were perfect, but one in particular did the best they could. I wasn't pleased with, and didn't understand back then, all the things that went into a marriage dissolution. But I didn't need a stranger to come storming in and dictate to me all the ways my life was a shambles, and how they were going to whip me into shape.

Nor did it work that way.

I was, at one point, in a position to become a step parent. Mine was a more open, generous approach. It didn't work with the youngest, who harbored a fierce will that her real parents be reunited by any and all means, and anything that appeared an obstacle to that was the enemy. That meant me. It was a no-win situation (I wouldn't pit a mom against her own blood, even if her mom were of a mind to take such a stand), and that was that.

I don't say anyone herein was right or wrong with their opinions and approach; I simply spoke for me as a former step child from a couple lousy experiences with it, and in my opinion, saying that I felt Lindsay did a helluva lot right with her circumstances as a step parent.

But anyone who thinks I was wrong and unfair with my opinion and view of my own experience, can pound sand. If you were that kind of a step parent, pounding sand is not enough of what you deserve.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

simplicityinthesuburbs — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:13:19 -0000

I have tried my best to always treat my stepkids like my own. How unfair would it be to them to spend so much time in the home of someone who doesn't treat them that way? Don't you think?
It's a fine line and I can see different situations differently.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Melissa Granju — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:09:09 -0000

WoW. That's the best story I've heard all day. Thanks for sharing it.

It's hard on both sides and you are SO right!!

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

Tawnia — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:08:00 -0000

My oldest daughter has a stepmom. I was terrified when she came into the picture. I resisted the urge to bitch-slap her, and run away with my child. My daughter was obsessed with her for a long time. I smiled (secretly cried) when my daughter would tell me how great she was. It has been over three years, and my daughter still loves me (I know I am insane) and she loves her SM. I give her Mother's Day cards, and she has since had a child of her own. We never talk much, but we give looks. The looks say "I know what you are going through, and thank you" She is a welcome part of my daughter's family. It hurts to have your parenting infringed on, and it hurts not to be noticed for parenting anothers child. We just all need to look at it, from the others POV!

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

titus — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:45:50 -0000

BTW, MWJanet, dh's marriage with the ex ended because she decided she did not like being married or being a stay at home mom. She went to work at a hotel, gt a boyfriend, had an affair, neglected her child, and dh had had enough.

Man times the dad is free of blame, yet gets blamed anyway..and many times this is the same of moms.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

titus — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:31:03 -0000

Maybe I should elaborate by saying that I became a stepmom to punky when he was 2. His father has been with no one else. His mother has abandoned him and left the state without calling, has kept he away form dh even to the point of paying other people to hide him so that he would not be able to spend time with him. It is all spite.

I am NOT saying that all moms dealing with a stepparent and ex are like this one, but this one is. :)

That being said, though the woman has made my life a living hell from day one (even going so far as to call and cuss me out on my first date with dh), I have NEVER EVER EVER EVER tried to take her place, I just take my natural role as a parent. In my house, as the only woman that happens to be a mothering role.

I do not discipline him, his father does, but he MUST respect me. I DO stick my nose into his education, and she has plainly stated that he is "the school's child to teach" and that it is "not her job"...and I like for him to be prepared. So, yes, I teach him things, I help him with stuff, I will speak to teachers.

I DO do everything I can to be a parent to him, as his mother HATES anything maternal and has admitted to this constantly (until in court, of course).

I CANNOT see getting mad at someone for loving your child like their own, though, no matter the situation. We would want this from a babysitter,so why not a stepmom? Yes, I am the stepmom the mom hates for loving her child.

Throw your stones, point and laugh. I do not care. It is my job to sheild this child from the evils of the world, love him, and teach him as much as I can as one of his parents...and I don't care who doesn't like it- I don't take those responsibilities lightly.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

titus — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:13:21 -0000

UGH. I live this. LOL..and yes, I do a damned good job as a parent to my stepson..I would even venture as far as to say better than his mom, but I would NEVER EVER admit to that out loud.

I am and always will be as much of a parent as the punk wants me to be, no matter what his mother thinks about it. I hate that woman with all my being, but I defend her in front of her child ,I buy her gifts, and take care of her child like he were my own.

She hates me, and I get that..I think sometimes she would rather me hate him, too- and that I don't get. No matter what I do, it seems to be something to fight over, and that is just how it is with some exes.

Some people are just cold hearted, hateful, and spiteful.

(then again, what do you expect form a woman who is home and sends her kid to daycare from 7-6pm because he "annoys her"?)

Does it make me some evil person because I love the child she created with my husband? Because I want the best for him? Because he is proud of me and me of him? Because we have fun together?

Is it because I know how to enjoy her son when she doesn't?? (I think this has more to do with it than anything)

He has had so many of her boyfriends he has been taught to refer to as his stepdad, that have fallen through...atleast 8-9 off the top of my head...He has never referred to me as anything other than a parent...He claims to have 3 parents, and that is fine with me.

Don't like it? Too bad it isn't about you.

Re: The Stepmother Takes a Blog Beating

daisy75 — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 14:43:24 -0000

I too grew up in a blended family where the step parents loved each child the same, no matter who the biological parent was. There was no "step" in our household. My sisters were my sisters- no "step" in front of it, and we all called our parents "Mom" and "Dad". I am so thankful that my parents both worked hard to make that environment for us, and it really created unity in the family.